This is the time of the year, in the Hamptons, that I start to notice a shift in behaviors. There are two walks of life communing around town together — all aware of each other while turning a blind eye to each others existence. This is the way it should be…

Last week I was thinking about approaching the deli counter at Schmidt’s in Southampton. I took a loop around the store (again giant child in cart) and found myself at the back of a crowd. The line was typical, but what I immediately noticed was the silence… no one was talking and people looked at me with giant fear-filled eyes.

“My driver has my number — he just left the store to turn the air on in the car– I’m sorry but I was next — I might not have the number sweetie, but my driver will be happy to shove it up your a** if you want to step outside” — Man #1 said to Man #2 who I know to be a full-time Southamptoner…

I froze – becoming a part of the 12-odd equally frozen by-standers

“I didn’t realize that you needed a driver to do your dirty work” — said Man #2

“Do you reaaaally want to take this to another level just for the sake of your pathetic rotisserie chicken — you can get those at 7-11 for G*** sake… Honey, a pound of the LOOOOBSTER salad I said — not Tuna” — he wasn’t looking and slammed his hand basket to the ground “I swear, you people”. — Man #1…

Standing in front of me (of course) Enter Man #3.
“If that basket had come a hairline closer to my wife’s toes — you’d be crying over a hell of a lot more than your place in line…..You had better get some manners fast you F******* a*** NYC B*** S****F*****Mother ******Balls****Meal Ticket***Driver can **** My****Talk to ***** Loser *****Trust Fund*******”…… I can’t publish the rest–it was too much for anyone’s ears — the crowd roared with applause — whoop whoop from the deli staff.. I glanced over my right shoulder — Oooo sushi… I grabbed the spicy tuna and ran.

It’s not easy living among the two breeds. One never knows who is going to be THAT person — everyone looks really nice… And — it’s summer… for most it’s vacation… there shouldn’t be any angst. But alas… after leaving Schmidt’s I was… stuck in traffic–blood pressure rising, when a woman passed me on the right…at first I thought “who the H does she think she is..” Then she ran the red light and cut through the intersection… I laughed. Good for her. If I had a Trike — I might not have a care in the world either.