December 2009 Archives

So, we were watching TV last night… and well, nothing was on–so we turned to the Food Network… always a good standby. It was Diners Drive-ins & Dives with that funny-haired fella that I swear, is seriously holding back his inner GAY. I know he’s married… but so is Will Smith and Brad Pitt… wait, Brad Pitt isn’t married… what’s going on there? GAY. I said it here first… Unless you said it before me… isn’t there anything original anymore? So.. anyway, the GUY named GUY on “Triple D” (ew) was bouncing off the walls over some sort of fleshy overcooked meat when he picked up a plastic dipping cup and drank the Au Jus. I said–out loud–”HE JUST DRANK THE AU JUS…” and then it occurred to me that New Year’s is next week.
Well here we are. Time sure does fly, doesn’t it! What were you thinking this time last year? Were you excited about 2009? Were you looking forward to all good things to come or were you dreading the days ahead? For me – 2009 was one massive battle of good vs. evil… demons and angels… sweet & sour vs. hot & spicy. There was always an antithesis of each particular moment… looking down at me from way up high… getting ready to launch the next throw down test of strengths and weaknesses… HOW WILL SHE DEAL WITH THIS!!! Aaaa – aHAHAHA. I lost a lot of the fights–but I feel that those I conquered were the ones that really counted…. And while the professional side of life was not-so-slowly sliding downward… Will was always there and it was impossible to think that anything else was even remotely important. While clients, and then inevitably I, decided to stop fighting and close the doors on what were once fruitful and booming livelihoods… My family brought endless joy… I reconnected with old friends… I made many many new friends, and I learned more about myself than I ever would have if everything else wasn’t falling apart.  In retrospect, now that this post has turned to total cheese… whipped creamed cheese that is… 2009 was the best worst year of my life.

And there it is.

So what about you? How was your 2009? Was it loud and obnoxious or loosey goosey? Did you take all of your money out of the bank and bury it somewhere? Or did you throw all caution to the wind and DRINK THE AU JUS? And what about this new fangled thing called 2010–any thoughts there?

I want to know. So tell me… tell me the best worst of your 2009 and then a little of what 2010 can do for you… tell me and I’ll…. throw all the answers into a hat and randomly (drum roll…) Pick the best of the best of the worst of the best and….

1. Interview you for an upcoming For The Birds “Bird Watcher Profile” post.If you haven’t heard, these are tons of fun.. Here’s one and Here’s another. Come on – be the 1st in 2010.
2. Then I will promote the hell out of your story for a week.
3. All about you. 
4. I am no joke about promotion. 
5. Game ends sometime before 2010.
6. If I’ve interviewed you before, please participate as well.

Please note that we are launching our annual SAVE RUDOLPH protest, roof-side–starting tonight… so this post will be up for a few days… 

We have a serious problem… I’ve tried to tell it that being fully erect is not acceptable… I mean.. people are starting to stare. “Error, the lens will not retract, Please restart”. What? Is it trying to tell me something? This part of me that launches full speed on my “GO GO GADGET CAMERA”
command and then explodes out of my chest attached to my third arm..And what brought on this fit of excitement? The shots of Santa? The scenic swans on the ice? The endless obscure pictures that I take of toys, bathroom fixtures and signs? The world’s most handsome 2 year old, or the Bluedog, in all of his stubborn glory? ai-je offensé?

I’m not even going to acknowledge this behavior. Are you finished? Would you mind putting that thing away, because I’m really beginning to get upset… I understand that you are trying to make a statement… that this kind of thing is not actually a dysfunction — more likely it is an internal issue that is keeping you at full attention. OF COURSE I love you, but please– this is a little much. You are NOT old, at least I don’t think you are… Remember when we met? Please, just retract. And what is that noise you’re making?

I didn’t say ABNORMAL, I just think it’s a little off-putting.

Okay, so no – no cooperation on your end… I’m sorry, but we are going to have to do something about this. Christmas is on Friday… I can’t have you hanging around in such a state. You just had to pull this all out now, didn’t you. Perfect timing. Did you try massaging the converter lens? I mean, what will everyone think? No, I don’t want to try something new. I like things the way they are. What are you talking about? I don’t think this is exciting or fun… it’s really annoying actually. 

Isn’t there something that you can take to make it go away?  I mean, you can’t be comfortable like that. Isn’t this making you a little worried? Because I’m beginning to freak out. What am I supposed to do with you NOW? No, I’m not going back to the iphone camera–I told you that I’m totally dedicated. No, film won’t work for me either–You showed me how to live! PLEASE, don’t DO THIS! I don’t think I can go through another life lesson. I read the book and it doesn’t say anything about…   

That’s it. I’m calling for help.

PS Technorati… 5CDJ8JMDKB8D – CLAIM. 

Battening, bracing… Bracing, battening…

Guest Bird #11 – Melissa

Melissa Siig is a freelance writer and mother of 2.5 kids living the dream in a small mountain town in California. She blogs about life’s crazy adventures at MountainMommaMusings.com.

It was the drink’s name that got us into trouble. “Dew Drop.” Vodka, splash of sparkling wine, fresh grape juice, and something called St. Germain. The latter ingredient was what really got our attention. What was it?  We were intrigued. While our table pondered the possibilities, the restaurant owner overheard us and came running over, very excited. He was dressed like a movie star, with a purple velvet sports jacket, a white shirt with not many buttons buttoned, and a few silver chains. I couldn’t place his accent – Australian, South African?

“St. Germain? You really must try it. Made from ElderFlower. It’s fabulous,” he said excitedly, adding that the drink was imported from France but created by an American right here in Colorado. All the bar shelves in Aspen restaurants were stocked with it. I guess it was the drink of the moment.

He offered us a taste. Of course, we couldn’t refuse anything free in this overly-priced town.

The bar manager brought over a small glass with a clear liquor in it. It smelled like spring-time, like apples and melon. Delicious. Yes, of course, we would have a round. Mine arrived in a martini glass, with two green grapes floating on the bottom where olives normally rest. But Siig’s was different. His came in a big tumbler and was more bubbly. Our new BFF Lauren the bar-manager came over and looked at the drinks, her pierced tongue clucking unapprovingly. Turns out none of them was actually the real Dew Drop. They were “alternatives.” Apparently, the bartender had already had one too many drinks of his own, even forgetting a key ingredient in my cousin’s mojito, which tasted like bland soda water mixed with mint.

But we were quite enjoying our “mistakes.” It had the desired effects. Soon, our table was rolling with laughter. I swear I saw a 70-year old proper woman at the table next to us sucking on the fingers of the man next to her; my cousin Jordan stole my mom’s cell phone and started texting her boyfriend. “What are you wearing?” he wrote covertly. The answer came back: “White shirt and jeans. What are you wearing?” When he responded: “leopard-print thong” the gig was up. I guess that particular item is not in my mom’s panties’ drawer.

Then we started doing the ChaCha. No, not the dance. It’s a number you text to find the answer to any question. We started writing: “Who is Melissa Siig?” Answer: “Sorry, no one of importance. We have no answer for you.”

Ouch. And here I thought I was a world famous blogger. Nothing like technology to put you in your place.

As we left the Wild Fig giggling, our heads swimming with the sweet scent of white grapes and ElderFlower, the acid jazz and electronic music of the French band St. Germain played above our heads on the loud speakers.  I guess we hadn’t so much gotten into trouble (unless you count my middle-of-the-night headache) as stumbled into synchronicity.

Let me preface this entry by making a huge excuse for the spoilage of my son, Will. Aside from his inherent awesomeness and beyond this planet cuteness, he is also currently the only Grandson with one set of Grandparents, and a 3rd Grandchild to the other set. He is also a Nephew to my two sisters and my husband’s siblings – two sisters and a brother… not to mention the endless sea of extended family that we all love and adore. Then there are the friends… Wow, we sound like the most popular kids in school, right? Not.

In Will’s vast lifetime of 2 years… I think that Mr. Sal and I have purchased–at the most–10% of his belongings… toys and clothing… All the rest have been bestowed upon us by our loving collection of friends and family… The toys that have truly turned our home into a playhouse… and the clothing… MY GOD THE CLOTHING. Honestly, we love it… so if you are reading this… please DO NOT STOP… But during the holidays… it does beg the question as parents… What to buy?… I turned to Mari @ Small for Big, a friend that I am stalking whose website I am slightly obsessed with… I love Mari’s picks because the items are all dollar friendly, somewhat green and are usually created with an AWESOME design sense… I might just buy a few things for myself to display as our Holiday centerpiece.. Regardless, I’m sure by the end of this list I will have spent it all–sorry to the rest, it’s all for Will this year… Take it away Mari!…

When I sent out my request to help shop for the kids dear to you this holiday season, little did I realize Ry’s response would be: “what do I get for the boy who has everything?” Hmm. That’s one of those tough ones isn’t it. And with the grandparents’ tendencies to spoil kids rotten (we love it though, right?) I think the phenomenon is pretty common.

So, I thought I’d help her out with some of my favorites for a 2 year old boy who happens to like trucks, trains, blocks puzzles, and balls. There’s something in every price range here – and some great things for girls too.

Magic Gertie Ball – Many parents already know the wonders of the easy to grasp, easy to inflate Gertie Ball.  But the Magic Gertie is special – remember Hypercolor clothes in the 80′s? It’s baaaaaack.  (This is much better than my HS choir teacher and his hypercolor shorts. Not Kidding.)

Stacking Cone – An Act Two twist on the classic stacker – it’s definitely harder than your standard version – for the puzzler side of Mr. Will.

Billibo – A toy beyond explanations. Because it’s creative potential is best unlocked by a kid (hat? Rocker? Pail? Sled? Something never seen before?) This one made Small for Big’s theWANTlists this year.

Dexterity Stellina Color Sorting Puzzle – Mr. Will can find hours of puzzling choices with this crazy star-shaped shape/size/color sorter.

Douglas, from Monster Factory – Because every single monster at the Monster Factory is worthy of Mr. Will’s love, but I could only pick one.

Switchback Racetrack -  A vertical way to get your fix of racing, crashing, and little boys’ squealing.

Dalmation’s Choice Fire Engine – The Cadillac (sorry, fire truck) of ride-ons. It’s a retro classic to keep for the grandchildren. It has to be for that price.

Thanks Mari!–To follow up, en-route to our house via Santa’s sled (PS did you know that if Santa actually went as fast as he would have to go to reach all the children of the world in one night, his sled would burst into flames? sorry.)…

• Billibo – I’m just so curious to see how Will approaches this thing…
• Dexterity Stellina Color Sorting Puzzle – He loves puzzles!…
• Switchback Racetrack – Hours of predictable fun…
• Douglas, from Monster Factory – Honestly… ALL FOR ME, ALL ME – do you think Douglas drinks? Kinda looks like a Patrón man… shots anyone?

During a conversation yesterday I mentioned that For the Birds was quoted this week on Forbes.com – the Forbes Woman Community to be exact… a beautiful collection of worldly topics on all things being woman. A nice “how do you do” to the ladies of Tiger Woods attempting to throw us back to the good ol’ ancient Mesopotamian times when it was part of the routine to look yourself in the mirror, say – yeah he’s married and kind of a jerk, but he has zillions and maybe, just maybe I can get a reality show out out of this… Or at least a few minutes on Access Hollywood–Damn I love that Billy Bush…. Quick, I need to make myself look almost man-like, with boobs, killer jaw and hair extensions… okay… now, bigger lips–spray that tan all over… And TA-DA!… Yes, you too can go out and build your very own fame via megaloid sex-addicted celebrity super stars. It is that easy.. Just look at Ashley Dupre… the new columnist at the New York Post… don’t those glasses make her look smart? But I digress…

During a conversation yesterday I was chatting with my friend Mari, over at Small for Big, about how For the Birds was
quoted this week on Forbes.com – the Forbes Woman Community to be exact. She replied, “Forbes.com? niiiiiiiiice.  Maybe I should be a mommy-blogger after all.” My eyes grew huge.. I mean HUGE… Mommy-blogger! MOMMY-BLOGGER! NOOOOOOoooooooo! I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with it. Not that there’s anything wrong with going online and dictating verbatim every living second and movement and FEELING (ew feelings) that I have as a relatively new mom… Not that there’s anything wrong with splashing each and every image and/or video of my child online for EVERYONE to see. Every moment… panting.. I’m panting… water! – sparkling lemon effervescence water… whew.

Wait. I don’t do any of those things.. okay maybe one or two of them. But how could I not mention the the world’s most AMAZING 2 year old every once in a while… okay maybe a little bit more than that.. okay, so maybe every other post.. or ALL THE TIME. Like now.

So, while questioning my entire existence on the internet, I asked Mari, “IS THAT WHAT I AM!” and then reached into my MacPro and pulled out the blog, guts-n-all and headed towards the shredder–MOMMY-BLOGGER! I’ve been defined! HOW CAN IT POSSIBLY GO ON! As I threw the blog down the stairs.. it bounced and cried out… “I’M NOT A MOMMY-BLOG, I’M NOT! I’M ANYTHING YOU WANT ME TO BE…” And as I reached into the toy box for the wiffle bat… it occurred to me. I’m okay with it. Mommy-Blogger I might be… but this blog is about so many other things (ahem, ME) that it simply can’t be just one definition… and then Mari replied, “Frankly, I hate the term. Demeaning somehow. So no, of course that’s not what you are, you are ten times more than that. Me too.”

And with that, it was settled. The term is demeaning… because there are more Mommy-Blogs out there than there are Humans on this planet… To say it insinuates that the design is homespun, the stories are 2-cent and the humor is.. well “nice”, and chances are there are contests, coupons, and mediocre product reviews.. OH MY!… AND, it puts all the words, views, rants and stories into one big massive rolling sphere–LOTS of talking… and not a lot of doing… BUT, in the true definition of a “weblog” – a personal diary made public, there are also TONS of great blogs out there… Blogs like this one (yeah, its all going to my head–Let them EAT CAKE!)… Women that mention their kids here and there… every once in a while… focusing on life and pop culture like the ladies of all things Tiger… or simply LIFE in general… life, you know, being so unpredictable. So who are we?

The answer… after a series of drafts, research and hair pulling… is as complex as it is simple… Do what you want, obviously, but in the world of constant defining and redefining, if you have something to say… Blog about it, but avoid the Mommy-Blog status, remain unique… personal and blog eclectic. 

Having agreed to this interview, Lynette took an hour off from her full-time famed Mom position and demanding blog routine. With a huge sigh, she slipped into the armchair across from me at the local, virtual coffee house. Tapping her boots, she politely glanced at her watch while catching my eye — it was apparent that this needed to going toot sweet… LZ takes a sip from her Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla (with lots of cream & sugar) and rolls her eyes at the approaching waiter… The interview
begins.

Describe your most rewarding experience to date. Using a super cheesy line to pick up my husband in a bar! Can’t believe I had the balls, and even more so, can’t believe he fell for it! I need to know what you said. What was your line? Sorry to be pushy but I’m thinking there’s a whole world of women out there afraid to attempt cheesy pick-up lines and you may be the turning point.  I used to smoke when I went out for drinks, and I was smoking when I was chatting with Joe. I offered him one, and he said no. I said “You should have one, since I’ll be kissing you later.” I posted about it a while back on My Messy Paradise.

I have never used a stupid line before, but clearly it worked!

Dinner or a movie or both? Movie! When I get out of the house without my kids, I am usually so excited to not hear my name called in an incessant, whining tone that I’d just rather go somewhere that it’s not okay to talk. A library would be fine, too. Or by myself…

How long have you been writing? I’ve had my blog for just under a year, and never really wrote much else. I get on a kick every so often to start a journal, but it only last for a few weeks. What was the spark behind starting it? Joe started a family website, and I wrote a few things for it, but found that I wanted to share stories that I didn’t necessarily want read by my family!

What inspires you? I tend to find inspiration by asking myself if what I’m doing is something I want my girls remembering. Are we having fun? Why not? Do I want them to remember me as sitting on my computer all day with them parked in front of the TV? No way… So you’re a lot like me and you type on the fly… if you could wear your computer on your arm would you? Absolutely. I want a netbook, but realize my family will forget my name if I am online any more than I already am.

What is your favorite word? Sleep. No wait…that’s my favorite hobby. And my favorite word…doesn’t it just sound nice? Say it – sleep. Ahhhh.

Would you ever hire a personal assistant? Sure. She would have to babysit and cook and clean, too. Honestly, if I did hire one, she would think I was the biggest waste of a brain on the planet. If one can’t manage the few things I actually have responsibility for, there’s not much hope. And what would you do while the assistant was taking it all over, aside from sleep? Get to the gym. Declutter my house. Read more. Go back to school.

What do you avoid? Toll roads and shopping at Christmas. I will drive miles out of my way to avoid paying tolls. Not because I’m cheap, but I find them stressful. Crowded parking lots stress me out to no end.

Is global warming for real? Al Gore told me it was. I believe him.

If you were a car, what kind of car would you be? A Volvo. Standard, safe, dependable. Somewhat boxy.

Who would play you as the staring role? Reese Witherspoon. Not really sure why, but I just asked my husband and he had the same answer. As Annette Hargrove or Elle Woods or in the vain of Reese, herself? Definitely not Elle Woods. I’m far from flashy. Not really prudish like Annette either. Probably just Reese. She seems pretty down to Earth and doesn’t flash her kids around like  accessories.

Which is more important: creativity or efficiency? Efficiency. I can’t stand to see time wasted. I used to be called the queen of efficiency when I was working and I hated it at the time, but I’m cool with the title now.

I wish I were more creative, but I’m not.
The very definition of Volvo!

What is the last thing you did before answering these questions? Watched my husband play wii tennis and finished watching Bring it On. What is it about that movie! I just watched it last night… again. I was not a cheerleader, where you? I’m guessing no. Do you think there are many blogging cheerleaders out there?  I was definitely not a cheerleader. I did gymnastics for 15 years, though. So, of course, I love Bring it On’s ugly cousin, “Stick it.” Have you seen that one? So bad. Yet, so, so good! Never seen it, but it’s now on my list.

I’m guessing there aren’t many blogging cheerleaders out there…

How would you describe your blog (My Messy Paradise)? It started out as a forum to vent my frustrations over feeding my picky, allergic daughters, but then I realized I knew absolutely nothing about food or eating habits, or I wouldn’t be having the issues that I was. Now, I guess it’s just a place to talk about anything on my mind. I hope people relate and laugh. I actually see a lot of myself in your blog–it is very honest. I also read into it and see a lot of creativity, which is rather anti-volvo, but I sense a need to share that I can really relate with. Thanks! I look to other bloggers and am amazed by creativity. I often find myself at a loss for post ideas, yet see some of my favorite bloggers posting about every day things that I would never think of.

At 2pm, where is your energy level? Pretty low. I so want to take a nap with my youngest, but my oldest is home by then and doesn’t nap.

If you won $20 million in the lottery, what would you do with the money? I would pay my bills, buy a new house and put away the money I’d need for my future. After that, I would want to do some good with it. Preferably in education, but I’m not quite sure what it would be. You drive a Volvo, don’t you. Nope, I drive a Honda. Same thing, I guess!

If you were an entrée, what would you be? Hmmm…I asked joe and he said Chicken parm, because that’s his favorite dish. -gag- I mean…so sweet! I think I might have a little crush on Joe. He’s awesome, I would totally not blame you if you did.

What is your favorite article of clothing? I have the most beaten pair of Michigan sweat pants from my sister in law. I think it’s the only piece of clothing that I have ever worn holes through. I will never thrown them away or stop wearing them, unless they fall apart. Unless you sew, the holes might be trying to tell you something…True, but I don’t wear them out of the house…so comfy!

What makes you angry? I’m not easily angered, but I get frustrated often – people who make everything revolve around themselves, the way the garbage collectors throw my barrels across the street, talking to someone who knows nothing about pop culture…even when it’s on the front page. I could really go on and on, but like you too much to do it… Because you’re not easily angered, right? I certainly made it sound like am!! I’m not a yeller, I roll my eyes a lot and sigh like nobody’s business.

Why the North East? Because I’m a glutton for punishment, and I was born here. I’ve lived in MA my whole life and my entire family is here. We are planning to move to NC next year, so that will be a huge change. I can’t wait to hear my
girls’ Southern drawls…Can you somehow say, “Wicked awesome’ with an accent that isn’t Bostonian? Sure you can! The term Wicked is so under-rated… I love New England and my husband grew up in Western MA… try to keep those Boston accents intact–nothing bettah!  Did he ever say, “Pissah?” It bugs the hell out of me when you say you’re from Boston and people say, “Wicked Pissah.” I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard someone use that term here! Only on SNL. (((Shudder))) I’ve never heard him say pissah, and I never will. 
 
Can you describe an atom? Nucleus, protons, neutrons, electrons. Not sure what they do, but I remember the make up. Impressive! Can I use your real name for the purpose of this interview? It is rather spectacular… but I understand if you say no. Sure! No one has heard of my name prior to Desperate Housewives. I have spent 35 years correcting people. No, it’s not Annette. Not Nanette either. Wynette? Don’t think so. Call me Lyn, and I won’t answer…
 

I have been inspired. And by saying that – I don’t mean that I was enlightened or that some random hot guy pushed me over the edge… What I am saying is that this Holiday thing has me smitten. I am actually really loving it… and I promise that this will be the last time that I write about it…

Until next year, of course. But you see, the thing about it is that I don’t think that I have ever looked at this time of year the way I am currently… I don’t think that I have ever attempted to analyze myself and how I behave… or not behave when faced with this time of year. It is stressful… The shopping, which I have not started, and the decorating, which was completed in record time while my 2 year old took all the ornaments off the tree as I put them on. The planning of seeing each and every deserving relative despite the 4 to 5 hour car rides to actually do so… while still having a nice quiet Christmas morning all to ourselves at home. Not to mention the possibility of guests, food, booze and the constant battle with money. Damn you GIANT ECONOMIC DOWNFALL. Not to mention CHURCH and the reality of what it all means paired with the guilt of all things Catholic. Did I say I was loving this?

Survival combined with rage and yoga.

My tactic? Irreverence…

Not in the proper defining DISRESPECT… not in the disregard of authority that I must participate and ENJOY the holidays… just.. taking it all as it comes. Doing it proper if it happens and wrong if it must. A new found calm that one should be relaxed when faced with multitasking on limited and ever decreasing brain cells. But I am not alone… so I asked via internet of great things… what about you this time of year? How do YOU handle Holiday stress? Rage or yoga?

Jojo said: Chocolate, red wine, avoidance, screaming, and getting outside as much as possible.

aslapintheface said: I play “chicken” with the people in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Just kidding. The little security guy told me to stop. Actually – I am a huge fan of the warm bubble bath with some good magazines or a book.

mstinak said: Karate chops.

jeristhird said: I go to bed early.

Mona said: Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. If it’s particularly bad, margaritas. No red wine, though, because it makes me hot and angry…even if I’m not already angry.

ChattyAli said: Rage, definitely rage. Also depression.

cipsi said: Rage AND Yoga. At the same time.

puasamanda said: Oh, rage, rage, rage. I love a good rage. It makes me feel all warm and
fuzzy inside. I do yoga, too…but I won’t give up my rage, dammit!

momdot said: Rage. Is there anything better?

iheardsheknits said: I second the red wine. I don’t have the energy for rage or the motivation for yoga

brilliantsulk said: I deal with stress by redesigning my blog. Then I get stressed and drink vodka, fall asleep, wake up and start all over again…

suelagunatic said: I handle Holiday Stress with a shotgun. (wish)

quirkyjessi said: Neither and both? lol It can get stressful and things can get really hectic, but I usually just push through.

So – there it is. A big holiday season filled with tons… and I mean TONS of alcohol, chocolate, bubble baths, going outside, sleeping, karate, creative forces, pushing and shotguns–Just good ol’ irreverent rage and yoga at the same time. I think we might just make it through…