Yesterday I was first in line at a stop light in my huge SUV. Next to me there was a Hampton Jitney bus — if you are not familiar, they are the same as Greyhound buses but slightly more rotund and totally oblivious to any other vehicles on the road. So, I’m at this light waiting patiently… thinking about the goods I just purchased for the afternoon BAKING session… along with a creeping OCD panic that the BUS was about to fall on me — PLEASE — LIGHT TURN GREEN… So when the light turns green – I begin to inch forward in an attempt to pass the bus before an upcoming merge when from out of nowhere a VERIZON phone company truck runs the intersection’s red light and misses me by a hair… gasping, I swerve into the Hampton Bays Diner parking lot… glancing up only to catch the VERIZON driver giving me the finger and laughing wildly like some swamp yankee cowboy riding a bronco.
After catching my breath… I grasped the wheel firmly and thought… If these Allergen Free Chocolate Chips let me down SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY.
Because, here’s the thing. Baking and cooking without eggs or milk or anything containing the two is not only new to me, but it is almost uncharted territory all together. There are a few cookbooks out there and I’m slowly making my way through them… but what I’ve noticed is that all of the recipes, thus far, are somewhat off the mark. For example… one recipe that we make quite frequently calls for 1/4 cup of water and notes that “you probably won’t need the whole 1/4 cup”… If this were accurate… you’d need teeth of steel to bite through the result… adding more… you actually need more like 2 cups. Another calls for 2 cups of lard vegetable shortening.. when, in an attempt to lighten the hockey puck to resemble a cookie — 1/4 cup works like a charm. But that isn’t all… and this might just be me being me, but aside from NOT TESTING THE RECIPES before publishing… only a handful of these books are nicely designed. If I’m going to take you seriously as a cookbook… show me the food. IN COLOR. Leave the clip art over there in the craft corner where it belongs… THIS IS FOOD. TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
So – before all of this… when I was picking up my first dairy/egg/nut free guide to life I thought – This will be GREAT! And then it wasn’t… So I turned to the Vegetarians & Vegans and thought YES – but then No. So now… standing in a sea of half-baked attempts of others, I realize that these aren’t guidebooks… these are just suggestions. I might just have to take my shoes off and roam the snow-filled streets on my own… spatula and sifter in hand… Maybe the Verizon Truck Driver would have thought twice had he known my plight.
Stupid Verizon, trying to steer you off your food goals. Good luck with your baking experiments. Maybe you should buy a baking mix and bake that before you start trying recipes again–give yourself a break.
What is it they say? Cooking is an art and baking is a science. You clearly need to be Steven Hawking to figure out how to do it without eggs or milk. You GO woman!On a lighter OCD note, I totally got the “worried the bus would fall on me” thing.I once kept checking an envelope to make sure I didn’t seal my kids inside before I mailed it. O.K. I’m not actually that bad but I thought about checking it.
Have you tried “Sophie Safe Cooking?” I got it off Amazon and it’s a good cookbook. Very realistic for families with kids. Simple, normal ingredients found in any store and the baked items are pretty good.We’ve been dairy/egg and nut free for 1.5 years, and still learning what works for us.Having said that…very little irks me on the road more than someone else driving without courtesy and having the audacity to get upset with the one who has the right of way. Grrr. Go home and make yourself some dairy and egg free Lemon Poppy Muffins…so yummy!
No! I don’t have this one yet – ordering immediately! Thank you!
I don’t think I could do dair and egg free…you can keep your nuts though. However I really should give up gluten (or pasta or white food in general) okay I am rambling…good luck and the ocd fear is REAL!
So will you add a recipes page so we can all benefit from your baking bravery?
hmmm. I have to think about this one…. I’ll need to sharpen my food photog skills first. But it is a great idea!
I gave you a little gift over at my blog…because you are special.
Oh boy, one of my pet peeves is cookbook authors NOT TESTING THE RECIPES. What’s up with that?I know someone who used to work for Martha. Yes, Martha Stewart, and back in her early days of cookbook writing lots and lots of her recipes were not tested. Go figure.I do like Martha though, I do.I have a book right here in my hands called “Vegan Planet” Might be worth giving a try…And that Verizon dude totally deserved a big nasty wedgie.
You know, I also want you to start a recipe page, but then I come to my senses and realize I like the taste of dead chicken embryos.Fuck Jitney AND the Verizon guy. Maybe you should keep some dead chicken embryos in your car just for occasions such as this – and use them as projectiles.
Hey thanks for the book suggestion… its great how you can hold a book and type at the same time!
Oh thank you thank you! A more proper form of gratitude I will display whence we return from a little vaca!
I got so sad that Ry Sal ran away on vacation I kept reading this post and considering different ways that one could get metal teeth to bite through difficult food. Now I’m going to go bake a pink cupcake and eat it.
Hey – here’s something to make you feel better:http://wp.me/pHgaj-6aI gave you a prezzie
I learnt some lessons from this story. Also got some tips for cooking without basic ingredients.