June 2010 Archives

In 2000, I attended a design conference in Boston that was being presented by the renowned Edward Tufte.

For those of you that are not familiar with Mr. Tufte, not only is he a genius, but also possesses an ego that of which Sting, and his blasphemous Symphonicity, could only hope to acquire. Because I really am fascinated by people that assume to be larger than life… Spinning the earth’s axis on the tips of their pinky fingers while the rest of us just stare with our mouths hanging open and the wonder of it all. And while I have loved Sting for most of my life, The Police made Syncronicity and NOTHING will ever compare. But there I was, sitting among others, listening to Edward’s theories on visual explanations and quantitative information… soaking it all in while furiously taking notes that were sure to get me to where I needed to get to… That place where the beautiful evidence stands up and just slaps you across the face saying “WAKE UP. NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN RIGHT NOW.” When suddenly it hit me. If I had been nice to that new kid in third grade, he wouldn’t have hated me with every fiber of his body while the tables of time rotated to where he was on the other side, making fun of every breath I would take…

Just testing to see if Apple has actually made it possible to accomplish EVERYTHING YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE at the same time. Finally.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location: Southampton,United States

So I’ve been looking around the internet lately at other blogs, and I’ve noticed a major trend in a little something called a “LIFE LIST”. The lists consist of a few things that one is attempting to accomplish within the calendar year and then the bigger more intimidating list covers the rest of life…

[And I'm using this picture to illustrate my point. I promise.]

I’ve thought about this list for a while now… I think it originated over at Mighty Girl, by the indomitable Maggie Mason, where she is actually accomplishing her Mighty List by way of a few anthills like INTEL and VERIZON… because WHATEVER, she was only the FIRST woman in the history of blogging to, well, START A BLOG (not really). She’s also written gobs of books, received a lifetime of overachiever awards, and while not caring about anything… she lives the fabulous life while the rest of us drown in the puddles of mediocracy… (again, not really). Because, according to the internet… Mediocracy is a situation in the society in which mediocre people
prevail. The society is subordinated to a quasi-egalitarian ideology in
which words and ideas are redefined to be convenient for the average
people. Other symptoms include dumbing, jargonism, infantilisation,
vacuity, phoney democratisation and authoritarianism.

I know… I know… What the hell does VACUITY have to do with a LIFE LIST? Well, not only is VACUITY an alternative rock band from Kitchener, Ontario, BUT it also implies emptiness… And not suicidal depression or teenage angst either… oh no. VACUITY means what it sounds like… a vacuum. A brain vacuum that sucks the life ideas out of your head and leaves you with nothing to talk about. But HEY, at least we are prevailing in some sense of the word…. And please note that the word “we” is only being used to satisfy the other half of my Gemini — She hates it when I talk all about myself without paying props and I can’t take another hairbrush incident.

My LIFE LIST consists of a few things and is not yet ready to be published. I can tell you that it starts with a few daunting tasks like… STOP THE OIL LEAK, while I adhere my jet pack and zoom on down there 50 million leagues under the sea, rubber band collection and glue gun in hand. So I’ve decided to go introvert for a while to really nail it down. Not to mention that it is summer — OFFICIALLY, (Ahemmm… photograph) so the vacuity is in full effect… Because not only do some of my favorite people live in Florida– which is one of my favorite states, but one bad hurricane season is going to blow that devil right up here to my beach… So, while we’re all blah blah blah HE DID IT! Let’s stop blaming each other and fix it. FIX IT NOW (she screams!). Number 2 on the list is to have the power to make threats viable. And number three, WHY AM I ONLY ONE OF 307,006,550?

Fourth thing on the list… Buy a Dyson…

What do two sisters do when their third sister is being thrown an engagement party by her Fiancé’s family — of whom the two sisters have NEVER MET BEFORE?

Well… they have Muppets made in the Bride & Groom’s likenesses OF COURSE! I mean REALLY?! What else would anyone POSSIBLY DO in a situation such as this?

Because it made perfect sense, right? For two utterly refined sisters -  one older (me) and one younger than the bride to find themselves invited to an event honoring the one in the middle and her husband to be… being thrown by lovely unassuming people that are only expecting that what anyone else would…

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold…

Your estimated wait time is 72 hours. Remember, your call is important to us, so please continue to hold.

For a rather significant part of my life I have resisted the acknowledgment of my birthday, which is a not only totally lame but also wreaks of complete and total hypocrisy…
 
Because just like everyone else, I think I might want my birthday to be acknowledged… Just ever so slightly. When you are a kid, there isn’t anything like an awesome birthday… and then you get older. And for years during my 20s & 30s I have been completely like… Oh blah blah blah, just another day… yadda yadda – whatevs… AND I would painfully believe myself. Walking around draped in denial… wondering WHO KNOWS and when/if they are going to do something about it. I would often attempt to remove my birth date from office calendars — dreading the uncomfortable and TOTALLY unnecessary office birthday party… I mean why?

I can remember one year, when I worked in an office with very few other women (mentioned here) who would all gather in a tiny closed up office with no windows and exchange cards, cake and every once in a while… gifts. This was not only torture, but also stood tall among double faced ladies that would pry, spew gossip and then end up cackling away while stabbing you in the back.. did you hear what Bob said to JIM’S WIFE?! It was harsh and rather intimidating. I spent one birthday in this arena where they gave me a card and a coconut cake… Coconut, by law, is only allowed to enter my body covered in chocolate in the guise of an Almond Joy… So, while I was trying not to gag on the white fibers of death, I opened the card to find a mostly NAKED MAN along with some cheesy line like… “Having a really hard time believing it’s your birthday”… as they all died laughing, grabbing the card away from me to inspect the centerfold in depth…. totally pleased with themselves in having made me embarrassed and uncomfortable, while I turned a nice fire engine red. Bashful to have shared this moment among almost strangers and not my good friends — with whom, it might have been really funny.

A few years ago I sent a card to one of my oldest and dearest friends that now lives on the west coast. It was a great illustration of a bunch of birthday candles running away from a cake… Gabriella is older than me… a whole bunch of 13 days older. In our history together we have shared many birthdays avoiding our birthdays… acknowledging them… nodding in agreement that we don’t really like them very much and then going on our ways… When her birthday popped up on my calendar this year, I looked to find a card to beat the running candles, which sent me into a tizzy of missing her enormously. I couldn’t find one. And so,  while I do find comfort that she, among others, are only an email, text or Facebook message away–what with phones becoming so ten minutes ago n-all…  And that the world appears to still be getting smaller, I hope that you’ll share a piece of virtual cake with me today. Because I’m finding it really hard to believe…

Seriously.
I need big ones.

(less than 5 miles from my house)

Because last night I went to my very first TOWN meeting, and all I can say is that I wish I had some balls. Seriously. And I have to capitalize TOWN in this instance because after listening to the rants of baffonery, my eyelids are permanently peeled back and my jaw is unattractively dragging on the floor. Of course, it didn’t help that I drowned myself in the biggest wine glass I could find after the TOWN meeting — but we are now just 5 hours shy of 24 hours ago and the overwhelming feeling of ickiness has yet to subside. So.. just what was I thinking? I mean. WHO DO I THINK I AM? Well, to start with, I am a resident of the TOWN of Southampton as well as a former small business owner. I am also a human being that likes to do silly things like… eat food, feed my family, and — on occasion, wear clothes. Unfortunately, living in Southampton TOWN also means that all of the silly little things that we like to do usually require leaving the TOWN to be accomplished. Because we are normal. We are average. We work really hard for the money and things that we have and therefore don’t have the luxury of buying all of our clothes at Saks or overpriced boutiques. Instead, we invite really wealthy people to come here to do that. In the TOWN that we live in. The TOWN that is our homebase… while we leave the TOWN to go to places like most of the country already has downtown. Places like price clubs… Old Navy… STOP-N-SHOP. And so, when I was told about a lovely new development plan for the location pictured above… One that will house a new grocery store and several retail chains… I took the giant bubble maker from the child and started running wildly around the yard chanting… SOMEBODY CARES, SOMEBODY CARES… only to end up sprawled on the grass staring DIRECTLY at the sun. 

But then, as the dictionary defines typical, a complete and total anti committee was formed resulting in last night’s meeting. I wanted to go and tell them all about how expensive it is to live here… as if they don’t already know… I wanted to stand up for the developer and say HEY THIS IS GOOD. I wanted to say, this is MY DEVELOPMENT! GO AWAY. There were some valid concerns, traffic and residential issues… but when the character attacks started my ears began to ring… And then I was all done. Frozen solid into a impenetrable block of ice… which, interestingly enough, was defying all laws of science considering the amount of sweat I was starting to produce. This was being televised. And hey… these people were being REALLY MEAN. Was I really going to do this? Was I really going to stand up in front of these 100+ REALLY ANGRY ANTIS and say… “Like, yeah, I Tooootally need to shop”… I imagined myself strutting.. how was I going to walk without legs? And then I heard myself talking… leaning into the microphone, “balls” was all that came out. I started to become one with the folding chair… I sunk down low. Then someone passed me the petition and I voted YES — signing my name… as it was ripped from my hands by an ANTI I thought… why do they need my name… and then they passed it on among each other… all noting who had voted yes… They knew. THEY KNEW IT WAS ME. And when the ring leader stepped to the podium to ask if anyone had anything POSITIVE to say, I fell hands and knees to the floor and crawled out of the room. Completely silent and without any sign of balls.

But this isn’t the end. I mean not really. This was the first of several TOWN meetings that I plan to attend in the hopes that my voice will eventually leave my brain and land somewhere meaningful. Let’s just hope that I can find the skill of public speaking while being right about everything all the time so that everyone does exactly what I tell them to. Right? Because I need this AND SO DO YOU. And all those REALLY MEAN ANTIS who were glaring at me in an attempt to burn a hole somewhere to pour the brainwash in… just give me a few days to  grow a pair so big that you’ll NEVER see me coming.