The internet is a weird place.

So weird, in fact, that I find myself letting it get to me…. As if someday the internet is going to come alive, realize that I’m here and then hand me a big ol’ box of validation. And I can be like, “Where have you been all my life?” and Internet will reply, “I’ve been here the whole time, and since you’ve invested so much time and patience in me, I’ve decided to reward you with this barrel of monkeys”…. To which I will gasp — throwing the monkeys back in Internet’s face — THAT’S IT? A STINKING BARREL OF SMELLY MONKEYS! After YEARS of pouring countless words, thoughts and dribble into the world wide web(ular) — There’s NOTHING in return!? And, as the big bad Internet hangs it’s head and turns to leave it whispers, “but you can’t live without me”… And then David Lynch steps out of the pantry, eating a quince while exiting stage left… And Julian Schnabel, who is suddenly standing next to me, snarfs a rhinoceros laugh and then suggests that his whole ‘Jesus in a Jar of Urine’ period was really about switching his brand of deodorant. Because if validation is knowing that a Google search for “BIRDS SPONGIFORM ENCEPHALOPATHY”, pops this blog up as numero 3 — then maybe I need to reevaluate my internet existence.

And I know. I need to stay away from the Internet when I’m in one of these ‘What does it all MEAN’ frames of mind, but really.

In other news, here’s a little promo I did for Big City Kitchen…. A food and photography blog that our friend Amanda recently launched. And I say “our” to be inclusive of the Internet, which is really quite heavy and should  consider cutting back on the number of food related blogs that it allows and, quite honestly SUCK. Therefore leaving more room for real food blogs like Big City Kitchen and Will’s Kitchen. Then, maybe we can convince our new skinny Internet to cut back on the porn and really bad content bloggers, thus allowing even more space for real internet users to spread themselves out all over the place — pintresting ourselves silly until we blow up, raining wwws all over the place.

While I was parked at the beach yesterday — staring out at the water from my car, Josephine sleeping in the back seat and only minutes before I had to leave to pick Will up from school, I took a deep breath and thanked the universe for making us all healthy again. I then glanced at the time, took a sip of my coffee and sighed that it was time to pull away from the solitary bliss when I took one last look at the ocean. I was alone, and that’s when it happened. A whale rose from the water and then crashed back down right in front of me.

And it was huge. It was just in from the horizon line, a few miles out — so not exactly right in front of me… but not far. My eyelids peeled back — I felt a little faint… I looked all around. I got out of the car and squinted at the water — yes – there were waves from a  crash landing — and bumps in the general area where the whale disappeared into the water. My heart pounding. I couldn’t believe what I saw — AND, unless there was someone else out on the beach seeing the same thing, I was completely alone to witness this performance. There wasn’t time to even think about taking a picture, locking the event in time. There wasn’t even time to think about anything.

People might see whales everyday, but I certainly don’t… Especially when one isn’t looking for them, and for me this was the first time.

I went online this morning to look up how to beat Pneumonia, but apparently it isn’t on the top of Google’s list…

But WHY NOT?  Because, Will is currently moaning after every Pneumonic cough. Josephine is coughing as well, but with only a cold we hope. And I — well let’s just say that I’m attempting to keep my head above the sea of mucus that I’m currently drowning in. Gross, I know… And apparently — Google doesn’t really know anything about priorities, although deleting Facebook might find us a healthier society… you know, one that doesn’t obsess over Superbowl commercials staring Clint Eastwood.

I’d say that I’m going to do something about this… get angry and mad that it always seems to be ME searching for the answers when there are so few. But no. I’m tired… SO VERY TIRED. So, here… while we’re getting better, this is what we looked like last week — when life was fair and noses were simply running and Dirty Harry was, well…. DIRTY.

Currently accepting love and sympathy at an arms distance.

There is this guy in town named Fred who rides his bike everywhere he goes.

I know Fred from the library where Will and I met him last summer. Older, but not old, he was hanging out in the rose garden when Will ran up to him and then stood frozen in time. Clearly he wasn’t expecting anyone to be sitting on our favorite bench, where we read the books we’ve just checked out. Fred looked over his bifocals at Will and calmly said “And who are you, young man?”.  Silence. “Answer him, Will”, I said as Will began to back into my legs. “Will — now that is a great name. My name is Fred, and if you look over there by that tree, you’ll see my bike.”

And that was it. Will was sold… we both were. Now, every time we see Fred anywhere — riding around town, sitting on various park benches, there is a roaring announcement from the backseat… “FRED!!!! There’s FRED!!!!!”.

And, as I take a step away from my nice little story here, you’ll notice that I am not titling this post. I’ve decided to stop with the titles and this has nothing to do with the whole Obama is an entertainer factor….And in saying that, I have just insinuated something that can only be perceived (i before e but not after c) as racist. No. In fact — I quite love the fact that he decided to sing Al Green at the Apollo theater. It was cute… CHARMING, even. But no. Titles lately seem like evil F-Bombs that give each and every one of us the ability to point fingers at each other like little kids. Because, if you sing in public — then you are entertaining, regardless of being white or black…. just like Fred, who is one of the little joys that we have in our town… and he also happens to be black. A fact, yes — but a completely meaningless one.

And so, the other morning, as I was thinking about titles and the evils of the media, what to make for dinner, the missing flip flop and our ever questioning society — I drove away from the beach and down Little Plains Road to go pick Will up from school. The weather unusually warm as the rain was subsiding. Fred was on his way to the beach just as the sun was breaking through the clouds, passing me, heading towards the beach with the biggest most admirable grin on his face I’ve ever seen. I attempted to capture this moment while not looking like a complete lunatic and scarring Fred for life — possibly never riding his bike again and/or giving up the gift of being the friendliest man alive… but I did get him on the ride-away. His smile now burned on my brain and making me smile, for no apparent reason.

Some days just can’t be duplicated…On our way to school today….

“Mom. Why do the clouds move?”

“Well…. the wind blows them around. Look at the clouds today — don’t they look like the comforter on your bed?”

“Yes, they… They look like a big mattress!”

“Yes, you’re right — all puffy…”

“And COMFY! I bet they’re bouncy. I bet the man that drives the sun is laying on them.”

“The man that drives the sun?”

“Yes — he’s friends with the man in the moon. He sleeps ALL THE TIME.”

“Really…”

“Yes, but the sun is too hot. Like the radiator in the little bathroom.”

“I know. That radiator is hot …. but the sun is a million times warmer…”

“MOM. I touched that radiator last night and it was really hot.”

“You shouldn’t touch it.”

(after a minute of thought while driving past McDonald’s)

“Mom. Did you need to go into Old McDonald’s today?”

“No…. Dad bought me a coffee this morning.”

“Oh. Well. MOM.”

Yes.

“If you need a coffee sometime and Dad doesn’t get you one, you can just go to the Old McDonald’s drive-thru.”

“That’s true, Will.”

“If Dunkin’ Dounuts had a drive-thru, then you would go there, right?”

“Probably.”

“Maybe tomorrow Dad won’t bring you coffee?”

“Maybe.”

Long title, I know… but I couldn’t help it. May the search engine Gods look the other way, because this is all about SELF PROMOTION.

We baked really yummy bread over at Will’s Kitchen… I have two new design projects up over at Ryan Salinetti Creative… I posted earlier this week about gender fearing parents at Sprocket Ink AND I just posted another piece about the wonders behind Kelly Osbourne, Rose McGowan and Pamela Anderson (together at last!). I also started a little Tumblr project and plan to finish my time travel machine by the end of the weekend. You may think I’m on drugs, but sadly– no. Also, I’m going to BJs tomorrow for diapers and Dino Chicken. I know… seethe the jealousy. Off to fold the laundry! Weeeeeeeeeeee…..

I’m using a writing prompt today from Studio30+ — a site for bloggers that are over 30 years old. It’s kind of like that show that used to be on in the late 80′s — Thirtysomething. Remember? NO? Why, how old ARE YOU? I guess you can tell that I’m over 30. On the other side of 35, but not yet half way to 40. I’m hoping to stay here for like ten more years by completely avoiding reality. And if you don’t remember, Thirtysomething was really annoying. It was a bunch of thirty something people mulling about in their own lives complaining about being thirty something… and other stuff. Because that’s the total opposite of what bloggers do, right? Not that Studio30+ is annoying…. it’s actually quite nice, and if you’re a blogger over 30 — I highly recommend.

The writing prompt for this week is MOMENT OF TRUTH (truth truth truth). Kind of like an ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ moment, but you know, without an orgy. And while I’ve had plenty of these moments in my life, I can only think of one really appropriate truth-be-told thing to focus on, and that is WORDS WITH FRIENDS. Because, dear friends, it’s time for me to PUT THE CRACK DOWN.

And I know. This is supposed to be serious. But while I was playing the other night I completely missed Obama’s speech about…. stuff. I did, however, look up from my iPad long enough to notice the orange toned pancake makeup that all three — Obama, Boehner, and Biden were wearing… making them all the same color and therefore, PERHAPS the same race. Is that what the speech was about? I took the time to jump over to Facebook to acknowledge this discovery, but that was it. Within seconds I was back losing to like 20 different games — mostly being played with people I don’t know. Dammit.

But I’m beginning to think that this is kind of a serious condition. I mean I haven’t played a lot of games… ever, and I think the last time I played Scrabble (which is really what ‘Words with Friends’ is), I was just out of college on a train headed to a town on the Mediterranean called Sète. And, ooooo, I can here you now. She’s so CULTURED. But no, Sète, although beautiful, totally sucked and everyone there was mean. MEAN. Never go there.

Because, you see, I just downloaded Words With Friends a few days ago, and in that time I have successfully ignored everything and everyone around me. Not to mention, I think Mr. Sal said something about burning the iPad in a massive fire pit he started constructing the very second I downloaded the game. And also, I hate to say it, but even the nine-month old seems to squeal in opposition when I start to glance over to where I keep the mobile devices. Earlier, I became frustrated when I hit the game limit on how many you can play at once, and I just got up to go check to see where we are with over using the word ZA. Which, apparently is allowed because it’s slang for pizza….and now I’m hungry.

But something has to end the madness. So as soon as I finish playing these last 27 games, I might think about stopping. And that, my friends, is a serious Moment of Truth.

In other news, my good friend Sue has published a brilliant post about bullying entitled “Don’t try to Bully Me”. Sue, who agrees that the pancake usage on our WORLD LEADERS was a bit off last night, is/was a professional model. I know she won’t mind my posting some of here pictures here:

Go there and read her post, and maybe… JUST MAYBE, she’ll make out with you.

This is my new boyfriend…

Yes. That’s right. Dr. Richard Ferber, I love you.

Because you see, SLEEP is something that I haven’t had very much of in the past OH, EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS. That is until a few nights ago when Mr. Sal and I decided to go all hardcore and picked up RICHARD’S book “Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems”. Shown below in ALL CAPS so that those that are SLEEP DEPRIVED can read the title.

This man is a genius. A gem. A MIRACLE WORKER. A mere four nights after starting his process of letting Josephine cry herself to sleep, we are in a routine of SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT. Yes, that’s right. We kicked it ROOT DOWN. Just when I was getting used to letting her RULE THE UNIVERSE.

But, as I think back over the past few nights, it wasn’t easy, and this man is made of pure stone. We had to put her in her bed, leave the room and listen to her cry. Sometimes the crying went on FOR HOURS. As we followed the book’s suggestions to go in every few minutes to try and comfort her, but NOT pick her up. Mentally this was excruciating, but it also hurt me physically — my neck, my back — to listen to her cry so hard. WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO ME?!?!? But then, it subsided. And each night as we persevered the crying grew shorter until at LONG-almost-nine-months-last, we put her in her bed and she didn’t cry. She just fell asleep.

And, of course, those wiser and more experienced told us to do this from the beginning — and believe me, we TRIED to let her cry. But then she had Croup. And then she snuggled up all cute and cozy on the couch, sleeping peacefully, which according to Dr. Ferber was only creating BAD HABITS — so, something needed to be done. Not to mention, there’s something so much more official about having a book tell you what to do… Having it actually work, however, is a little hard to believe.  So, thank you Dr. Ferber. Thank you for being real. Direct. And for helping us cross “Get Jo to sleep in her own bed” off of our 2012 list of accomplishments. Now that we are getting some sleep, we may just be able to tackle windsurfing.

In other news, the Steve Jobs doll is off the market. That’s right. OFF. And, no. I’m not going to stop leading you off to other places on the internet where I have voiced my opinion. Get over it.

Do you lie to your kids?

No really. Do you? I mean… just LOOK at Ann Curry’s face.

You’re lying RIGHT NOW. And she T-O-T-A-L-L-Y knows.

Because, according to the Today Show and some rather swarmy ladies from Todaymoms.com, you are just oozing with lies. LIES.

YOU BIG, FAT LIAR.

Personally, I try not to lie to Will — but not because lying isn’t fun (because it totally is!), no. Will is way to smart and tends to figure things out… He spends a lot of time and asks A LOT of QUESTIONS…. taking the fun completely OUT OF THE LIE. Santa Claus was suspect for weeks before Christmas. There was a lot of concern over how he gets onto the roof… “He doesn’t use a ladder, he doesn’t NEED a ladder.” We were three steps to polishing off the liquor cabinet with his series of investigations, but it all ended when Mr. Claus paid off big time Christmas morning. Thank you VERY much, John Deere.

And, didn’t you know, this is a heated topic. Why, it was just a few months back that I was perusing Facebook when I came across a post from fellow blogger, Jaime Lee, who had written a nice little HONEST post about ’6 lies moms tell kids’. For the most part, these 6 categories of dishonesty are all based in keeping a child happy and protected. You know — ‘The Tooth Fairy’, ‘Let’s not talk about sex yet, the baby came from a stork’, ‘GYPSIES’.  All rather harmless, and in all honesty, easy enough for a child to understand and quickly get over once the real truth is unveiled. But as I read on to the comments section, I found myself all stressed out and twisted up in the world of someone that DOES NOT LIE….

“As Life Gets Better says:

In keeping with last week’s post on things I want to accomplish in 2012 — I started reading Savor, by Thich Nhat Hana and Dr. Lilian Cheung.

And, although I have already broken my code of not buying any more new books until I have read all of the ones that currently reside in my house (#1 on the list), I’m really happy that this is the book that I started with. Because, you see, I think I only purchased this book because of it’s beautifully designed cover. That and Amazon’s oh-so clever marketing skills in the “Recommended Items” department. I couldn’t resist. I bet, because you know I don’t even really remember buying this book, that I didn’t really know what it was about at the time of purchase. Yes. I am that easy. And, if I’m not a Buddhist by the time I finish reading this sweet little 237 page paperback, there must be all kinds of things wrong with me, and I already have a somewhat healthy relationship with food. It’s my book buying habit that I’m worried about.

But you see, as it turns out, this is a dieting book. Hidden behind the beautiful language and holistic nuances, the sole purpose of this book’s existence is to help people lose weight, which is something that I might like to do, but I’m not hardcore into needing to lose poundage. What I am into is enjoying the act of eating (#2 on the list). Thinking about the food as I am enjoying it is something that I am also trying to accomplish this year — breathing while I eat. Not allowing the stress of people behaving at dinner time or the baby’s fussiness make me inhale my food as an act of desperation. As if I’m never going to have the opportunity to eat again. It only breeds bad habits and makes it appear to be okay as I shovel toast into my mouth while running out the door. Because being late for Nursery School is totally going to make him miss the bus in another 5 years. Not.

And as I breeze through this lovely book about dieting and having patience with one’s self. I am finding that reading truths that I already know, need some reminding. Who knows — perhaps there’s some additional enjoyment to be found as we relearn how to relax, chew our food and maybe drop a few pounds.

“Mindfulness.
Mindfulness is a way of living that has been practiced over twenty-six hundred years by millions of people to help them transform their suffering into peace and joy. Applying mindfulness to your suffering with weight gives you catalyst that you can draw on at will to change your behavior. Consider mindfulness as your ally to help you get out of your own way, change your habits that are counterproductive, and overcome the obstacles and difficulties that led you to be overweight.” – page 34

Now, if I can only apply this to buying books… Then, maybe I can start to work on #8 from the 2012 list: Not so much spending.