Results tagged "Automobile"

I was leaving the grocery store today when a fleet of angry carts rolled through the parking lot and launched an attack. It was raining and super windy and who knows why they selected me — seeing how I parked my misanthropic beast of an SUV a million miles from the store. Regardless, they rolled with fury and as I lifted Will into his car seat I stepped right into a massive puddle… I could feel them pressing their metal up against my back so after locking the boy in place I turned and glared for them to retreat… My feet soaking in grocery store parking lot muck — they taunted me by spinning their wheels so I yelled – - I KNOW! I KNOW I NEVER THANKED MY READERS FOR ALL THE LOVE! And, having admitted this, they started to back-off… while I, in turn, wet–cold and defeated, drove out of the parking lot in ultimate stealth mode… only to catch them eyeing my exit. 

And it is with great pleasure that I thank the following for recognizing me and all of my aimless internet babble:

Dufmanno: Thank you for the “I Heart Your Blog” award. I’ll meet you in 1986 where we can shimmy to Two of Hearts in all of our Stacey Q glory. Then we can play The Police’s “MOTHER” backwards and find the real meaning behind the reason… in the dark. 

Lagunatic: Thank you for the “Honest Scrap” award. I’ll meet you at Easter with a basket of chocolate eggs. Because chicken embryos are off limits. Sistah. Then we can bore ourselves to death by thanking each other over and over again until we get angry and have a cat fight because we were being all too polite to begin with.

and…

Dear Vapid: Thank you for the “I Heart Your Blog” award. Honestly, when we meet I hope that we don’t worry others around us too much with endless obscenities and giggling. Nonstop spasmodic giggling. I’m giggling right now. And you are too. Stop. STOP. At least we will be wearing capes.

So that’s it for now. And now I’m weepy from the love. Did I mention that I love you? ALL of you? Even the ones out there that completely ignore me. And then read my blog. The ones that send me mean emails. And then read my blog. The ones that get super annoyed with me on an almost daily basis. And then read my blog… and then read my other blog. blog blog blog blog.

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This just makes me want to park in this space that much more.

But you see, I can’t  – I can’t because I drive an enormous car. A huge SUV. A monster gas-guzzler that could literally crush any fuel efficient vehicle in its path. I know this, not only due to the laws of physics, but also because I recently witnessed a car accident in Bridgehampton where a buzzing little bee of a low emissions car pulled out of a space on 27 West and rammed directly into an SUV that was minding its own business… just driving along… The SUV remained unscathed while the weenie of an environmentally acceptable car had it’s hood up over the roof, lost front bumper and two front tires rolling down the street… Air bags popping all over the place. The driver was fine, a few bruises, but whoa. We were walking on the sidewalk when this happened right in front of us… I froze for a second, then grabbed my son and ran back to our SUV – - Yikes. What if another tiny car was to pull out of somewhere… And please get me out of there before the traffic reaches murderous levels. Witness? What? I didn’t see anything Officer… please move your little car… just, just GO!!!

Now, I don’t have anything against saving the universe, greening the planet or drivers of little cars… I’m quite for all of it, actually. I recycle, I buy organic–And you should just SEE the non-plastic shopping bag collection that I have compiled. I TRY….But I also prefer to have my family locked and strapped down in the most aggressive looking tank of a monster vehicle… especially when faced with putting ourselves in the hands of other drivers. Accidents happen, I’ve been there… and I would much rather clean the other car off of my SUV with a baby wipe than deal with the unthinkable.

And so, similar to that of handicapped parking–I will not park my massive car in the space reserved for fuel efficiency… because those drivers are clearly in need of special attention. I will not park there despite the fact that there are no special parking signs up, right against the new Southampton Post Office, for working moms that have to carry their 30lb–often wiggling to not be carried–children across the dangerous and poorly planned parking lot. The parking lot that contains massive SUVs as well as tiny cars that can pull out of somewhere at any given second and destroy themselves by brushing past other vehicles…. But oh, the overwhelming need to park in this space. The Boiling Blood that this sign was written and exists despite the fact that we sought out the safest possible car to drive our child around in. I’m sorry, did you say selfish? Did you say environment? I am parking here. I am parking my massive, gas devouring SUPREME UTILITY VEHICLE in this specially reserved, fuel efficient, move to the back of the bus, space… and I welcome your eyes of silent judgment. Come on, say something to me… it will be fun.

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This is a follow up to a post made almost exactly one year ago… NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

We live very close to the Peconic Bay and there are ponds near our property that feed off of this Bay. In the ponds we are neighbors to lovely swan families that we follow and watch with love and fear combined… they tend to have anger-management issues. Also along these ponds runs a public road which people treat almost as a park–bike riders, fishing families, walkers… birders all enjoy the road as it winds away from Shinnecock Hills and into the Bay. It is quite lovely which is why it makes me so angry to state the obvious.. PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE SWANS.

Almost every fair weathered morning for the past few years a car (black station wagon Volvo) has pulled up along side of the pond behind our house. The woman driving the vehicle honks her horn upon arrival. When she does this, swans kick their webbed feet into high gear and float to her as fast as possible. With this, she throws her leg over the divider, walks to the edge of the water and DUMPS A BUCKET OF CORN. 

I have fought myself on this situation for a very long time. The corn is not only bad for the Swans, but it has caused a major upset in the natural Audubon order of things… The Swans have become die-hard territorial about her feedings and have actually KILLED OTHER SWANS (4 to be exact) in an effort to remain somewhat DOMESTICATED. I know I said anger-management issues, but this is actually quite a normal reaction for any kind of animal being treated like a pet. 

Now – this is my problem. I can either throw all “respect your elders” caution to the wind and go “speak” to this woman… Or I can continue to spy from the other side of the pond saying DON’T FEED THE SWANS under my breathe while my blood boils.. Or – I can leave a note on her car while she continues on her walk to probably feed other wild creatures… OR I can grab a can of spray paint and … A year has passed and I still can’t deal… Please please please -  DO NOT FEED THE SWANS. 

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