I am a lot of things.
But one thing that I am not is patient. And I am finally admitting it. For years people have asked me to just be patient. Years. And I always say – I AM. But it’s true, I AM NOT. Which is why I have decided to write this post. Because if I make one more failed recipe out of the allergy baking cookbook – - bought specifically for the intention of spinning me into the non-allergen Betty Crocker — all dairy, egg and nut free — I might just pull a Spinal Tap and SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST. I know… WHY am I so stressed out? Who CARES about the dollars upon dollars of ingredients that have been WASTED – trying my patience for all things HARD TO DO anyway! And how do I know that I might blowup? Because the recipes ARE ALL WRONG. And I’m really tired of trying.
I pre-ordered this cookbook. I was in touch with the author — who I thought was super savvy and nice. I connected with her about marketing ideas and agreed to write a review here and on Will’s Kitchen. I told her that I COULDN’T WAIT until the book was published. But now — as I am OVERWHELMINGLY tempted to type her name — I realize how NAIVE I must have been. IT WAS ALL A ROUSE. And Why? WHY would you publish a cookbook in which NONE of the recipes are accurate? Is it because you WANT me to rewrite ALL of them for you? Would you like to come over and see all of the bread loaves that DID NOT RISE? Or attempt to bite into the cookies THAT WILL BREAK YOUR TEETH? Do you know how hot 450° is? And what about the typos? EDIT MUCH? And what if I contact you, and let you know how we have tried and failed to make every single concoction in your half-baked science experiment — then would you somehow explain how you intend to FIX things? Print a retraction for every misplace tablespoon? Or, I could call you and you’d be all “Oh, so lovely to hear from you” and I’d be like “YOU ARE A LIAR and A CHEAT”. But what is to gain from my being mean? And if patience is a virtue, it must be that FAKING IT is too, because ADMIT IT. Not only are you taking advantage of EVERYONE, smiling on the cover — taunting those of us that FELL FOR IT, but you are also taking us to the bank — one to twelve bags of wheat flour at a time.
Whew.
And now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, the completely unrelated to this post news of the week is that I’ve gone back to writing for Artistic Things — you can find me there NOT baking or talking about baking… or patience.. until one of those pesky arty folkheads starts lying about being an artist. Because that’s what people do these days… THEY MAKE IT ALL UP. And I promise I will get over all of this soon.
