Results tagged "FoodNetwork"

Perfection isn’t easy to come by.

But for those of us that strive to be perfect, it is important to be aware of others that have convinced themselves that they have succeeded… Because all they are going to do is point out that we are (#1) doing it wrong and that (#2) they can do it better, even if they have to cheat. Case in point — Sandra Lee and her infamous Semi-Homemade… Because isn’t everything semi-homemade anyway? Think about it… one might grow the food, but did they create the seeds? I mean really… move on over chicken because the egg came first. I too can melt a candy bar and call it ‘syrup with caramel sauce’. Because it is THAT hard to not be homemade or store bought, so we need to MAKE everything, even if its only semi made… at home. Not to mention that the kitchen decor and outfits match the cuisine of choice… While the rest of us run around like losers in our standard kitchens, NOT COORDINATING and totally not looking at her boobs.

And while I need to be a little careful because Sandra just might be moving into the New York Governor’s mansion at some point in time, by way of husband Andrew Cuomo. Which means that pretty soon it will be LAW that our napkins match our earrings, and the possibility of running into her on the street is an actual maybe. I highly doubt that Martha would give her the time of day. Nope, she’s way to busy stuffing her own mattresses with hay from her recently shaved fields of lavender. Semi-Homemade, HUFF — I PULL THE LIKES OF YOU?! Martha, that knitted her way through the penitentiary only to emerge well rested and ready to publish. Leaving all the little jailbird ladies with expertly coiffed shoes… polished with the morning dew. Martha is real people. REAL. (Call me, K?)

Whereas Sandra is only mostly-real. And no, she isn’t a lunatic — no way. Look into those eyes, she’s not crazy AT ALL. Because not only was Semi-Homemade probably not really even her own idea to begin with… hello Campbell’s Soup, as she attempts to make it OK to only do it homemade part of the time… because who wants anything that isn’t homemade even if its only part way? Right? I mean, YUM — that cheese bread made with broken up Cheez-its versus real or vegan cheese may have increased the sodium intake by 800mgs, but HECK I sure saved 3cents—Thanks to Sandra and a predictable tank truck of prescription meds… not that there’s anything wrong with that. Did I mention that she’s not certifiable? Am I being mean yet?

I guess that you kind of have to be a little nutty when you’re smiling so damn hard, while trying to talk and eat, be pretty and right all the time by being only semi-original…. Only doing things part of the way and then telling others that they too can be this person, if only they stopped trying so hard to do it the right way…

Did you like this? If so, please bookmark it, about it, and subscribe to the blog RSS feed.

While folding laundry last night, in my pajamas at 7:30pm, the phone rang – it was Amy’s Carpet Cleaners wanting to know if they could come over and steam my carpets…

Ordinarily my response would have cut them off at hello and snapped “TAKE ME OFF YOUR CALLER LIST” but I wasn’t feeling quite like myself so I listened to his shpeal and then politely said, thank you but we don’t have any carpets. He said oh, okay thanks good bye. I felt a little dizzy and hung up the phone when an overwhelming sense of calm poured over me. Almost like none of it matters anyway so why are you so stressed out? And then it hit me — that wasn’t the Amy’s Carpet Guy – that was REALITY calling. The Amy’s Carpet Guy was really a supreme being that felt my vibrations of WHY IS THIS ALL HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME and decided to soar in before possible disaster. Because aside from all things career not happening — everything else is. Since New Year’s day a mountain of STUFF found our little lives and thought – hey, yeah, cool. And of course, most of it we’ve done to ourselves – the house, the blogs, the diet changes, the routine change of eating dinner with Will at 5:30 instead of boozing until 10 and ordering pizza.. well, not quite boozing — but do you know how fast time flies between 6 & 10 PM? For the first 2 years of Will’s life we’ve been so happy that he goes to bed successfully by 7:30 that we’ve partied like rock stars for a few hours after… But that isn’t all. Will decided, with the event of the New Year, to stop napping in the mornings and, instead wait until after lunch… which is totally fine except that now I have to get everything done errand and house wise with him before noon — which means that I have to go out. Which means that PEOPLE WILL SEE ME in the morning… which means that now I have to think about that the pile of clothes on my closet floor first thing in the morning instead of around lunch time.

But I can’t even go into the torture of what does this all MEAN?!?! Not to mention that the word “shpeal” is in the Urban Dictionary and is defined – someone’s repeated talk jabber. mainly BS…. Which insists that the Amy’s Carpet Guy was just some guy at a phone center trying to make an extra buck since cigarettes apparently cost $9.00 a pack. And then there’s real life out there making me feel bad every time I look up – whining about routine changes and dirty clothes when real disasters ARE REALLY HAPPENING and all I want to do is watch the Food Network so thank goodness Bobby Flay decided to kick some ass and put it back on Cablevision. Can you imagine how mad he gets?

In short, because you know this has to end eventually, the earth might be on this whole rotation thing around the sun because it’s used to spinning on an axis in the atmosphere… but just wait until it decides to start bouncing up and down instead… because it just MIGHT.

Did you like this? If so, please bookmark it, about it, and subscribe to the blog RSS feed.