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And I mean that in the most eloquent, and non-boob way possible…

You’ve all seen it by now. In fact, it’s old news and I’m way behind the times — clearing the buffers out of my brain that are filled with apple sauce, toy tractors and soy milk. It takes me a few days to clear my head, wipe the oatmeal from my eyelashes and say… What does that say? But the ‘Mom Enough Time Magazine’ cover that was released ever so obnoxiously, Pre-Mother’s Day weekend. Yeah. THAT ONE. The one that forces all to look where most try not to out of a little thing called PERSONAL SPACE. Because– not only is she sending a message about how awesome your arms can look with daily Pilates, but hello? Camouflage on a 5-year old? GROUNDBREAKING. My son has been wearing the military pattern for years, much to the chagrin of his leftist Preschool (Not that there’s anything wrong with that political standpoint. Get over yourself.) It’s FASHION, people. Even TIME MAGAZINE agrees.

Really TIME? You had nothing better to do than to sift through the Goddess files to find the one 26 year old, self-righteous (in her own right, because I’m non-confrontational) woman that wanted to stand up, say F-YOU, I BREAST FEED to the universe? Never mind the rest of us that — in one massive uproar, sheltered our cubs under massive butterfly wings and said, “ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!?!” Because women, MOMS in particular, are not defensive at all. Go team YOU.

Admittedly, I didn’t read the article, so while I feel the need to write this post — I can’t speak for the content beyond Time’s cover. Apparently, you have to buy the issue if you want to read in detail and by the time that I reached the newsstand, the angry mobs of Moms had already had their kill. All I could find was a trampled issue of Saveur Magazine — the Bread Issue, which — half-gnawed on must have served as substance to one of the blood seekers. I would go into detail over what they did to the Vogue Scarlett Johansson issue, but really — the images are too graphic for my descriptive ability. HOWEVER, I did read the online interview with Miss MOM ENOUGH (in capital red letters) on Time’s website — I don’t know, aside from the weirdness of shoving her boob into a her kindergarten-aged children’s mouths, she seems okay — a little loopy, but what Mom isn’t? And whatever, if that’s your thing — DO IT. Obviously, someone at Time Magazine is happy that you did — sitting in an accounting room, counting dollars upon dollars where the once dilapidated and tired magazine was, just yesterday, scrounging for pennies…MUHAHAHAA, WHO CAN WE PISS OFF NEXT?!?! While many would have been perfectly fine not knowing, and NOT getting angry over imagery and words that point and accuse. Blood pressures would have remained normal — and those of us with a sense of humor wouldn’t be wondering if we need to be careful about our boobs and what mouths they end up in. But whatever, who’s to stop those that feel compelled to share — in all seriousness, or not.

via the lovely blogger lateenough

Ugh. It’s Sunday. My timing is off. Never post on the weekend, right? And while I know I’m completely alone here, in this massive void called the Sunday Internet, I am happy to see that not much has changed since my last posting — oh so many days ago. Because, the time in between has been spent up with family stuff– a birthday, Baptism, and gobs of (lovely, mind-you) guests.

I’ve also continued to work on projects, managed to read The Hunger Games at rapid speed and get myself all wrapped up in a self-deprecating diet that IN NO WAY reminds me about being anywhere near a South Beach. Bastards — WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME? Although reading about the avoidance of starvation while starving has made for an interesting juxtaposition. Perhaps Katniss, (die-hard main character of THG, for those of you that are in denial) should have considered the South Beach Diet before heading into the arena to face the possibilities of going hungry… then she TOTALLY would have known how to starve. The book is supposed to be eons into the future — safe to say that SOMEONE wasn’t paying attention in history class. And, whatever, I know she is victorious (TOLD YOU!) but it wasn’t until the Gamemakers decided to allow two people to win that the book really begins to sink down into the depths of teenage romance. Which is about as deep as a pint of Ben & Jerry’s…. which I would totally go Hunger Games all over the place for right about now and I don’t even like ice cream. Dammit.

And now I’m hungry again.

So, as you can imagine, I’ve been rather busy these past few weeks and therefore don’t have very much to write about. Hence my internet absence.

But while I’m here….

There. There it is. My son throwing the largest rock he can manage into the bay next to our house. Impressive, right?

Well. Whatever. I’M IMPRESSED.

But do you know who really isn’t impressed?

Josephine. She turns one and suddenly has NO REASON to smile about rocks. While I’m all “YAY, NICE ONE!” she’s scowling at me like “OMG, Can we GET ANY LAMER!”… in the driest sense possible. In fact, after chastising me for wearing my hoodie hood OVER my jean jacket this morning, it was apparent that we are all in for a major lashing of the vanities. That is, if she ever allows us to be seen with her. Plead with her for a family make-over and maybe she’ll smile….

While she silently judges… That’s right…. At least that’s what we keep telling ourselves.

Some days just can’t be duplicated…On our way to school today….

“Mom. Why do the clouds move?”

“Well…. the wind blows them around. Look at the clouds today — don’t they look like the comforter on your bed?”

“Yes, they… They look like a big mattress!”

“Yes, you’re right — all puffy…”

“And COMFY! I bet they’re bouncy. I bet the man that drives the sun is laying on them.”

“The man that drives the sun?”

“Yes — he’s friends with the man in the moon. He sleeps ALL THE TIME.”

“Really…”

“Yes, but the sun is too hot. Like the radiator in the little bathroom.”

“I know. That radiator is hot …. but the sun is a million times warmer…”

“MOM. I touched that radiator last night and it was really hot.”

“You shouldn’t touch it.”

(after a minute of thought while driving past McDonald’s)

“Mom. Did you need to go into Old McDonald’s today?”

“No…. Dad bought me a coffee this morning.”

“Oh. Well. MOM.”

Yes.

“If you need a coffee sometime and Dad doesn’t get you one, you can just go to the Old McDonald’s drive-thru.”

“That’s true, Will.”

“If Dunkin’ Dounuts had a drive-thru, then you would go there, right?”

“Probably.”

“Maybe tomorrow Dad won’t bring you coffee?”

“Maybe.”

Do you lie to your kids?

No really. Do you? I mean… just LOOK at Ann Curry’s face.

You’re lying RIGHT NOW. And she T-O-T-A-L-L-Y knows.

Because, according to the Today Show and some rather swarmy ladies from Todaymoms.com, you are just oozing with lies. LIES.

YOU BIG, FAT LIAR.

Personally, I try not to lie to Will — but not because lying isn’t fun (because it totally is!), no. Will is way to smart and tends to figure things out… He spends a lot of time and asks A LOT of QUESTIONS…. taking the fun completely OUT OF THE LIE. Santa Claus was suspect for weeks before Christmas. There was a lot of concern over how he gets onto the roof… “He doesn’t use a ladder, he doesn’t NEED a ladder.” We were three steps to polishing off the liquor cabinet with his series of investigations, but it all ended when Mr. Claus paid off big time Christmas morning. Thank you VERY much, John Deere.

And, didn’t you know, this is a heated topic. Why, it was just a few months back that I was perusing Facebook when I came across a post from fellow blogger, Jaime Lee, who had written a nice little HONEST post about ’6 lies moms tell kids’. For the most part, these 6 categories of dishonesty are all based in keeping a child happy and protected. You know — ‘The Tooth Fairy’, ‘Let’s not talk about sex yet, the baby came from a stork’, ‘GYPSIES’.  All rather harmless, and in all honesty, easy enough for a child to understand and quickly get over once the real truth is unveiled. But as I read on to the comments section, I found myself all stressed out and twisted up in the world of someone that DOES NOT LIE….

“As Life Gets Better says:

I’m alone currently. No really — Mr. Sal is in the city and both of my children are apparently sleeping. I say apparently because, really — who knows. And when my husband complained about having to spend the evening among adults at some fabulous dinner for business, I imagined myself inhaling a self-rolled ciggy, exhaling while speaking in a British accent “I cannot imagine anything more exhilarating (emphasis on the ‘EXXXHHHHIL‘) than a trip to the city”…. which is a scene that I totally ripped from the Virginia Wolf thriller of a movie, The Hours…. Starring Nicole Kidman…. Regarding several decades of women that seem to be going through unbelievable bouts of self-exploration… which is a nicer way of saying ‘depression’. And, although I am not depressed, or anywhere near the idea of going through a ’bout’ of anything — I do have to say that it’s getting harder and harder for me to remember what it was like to not have kids. To be able to just go. Just decide to do something and then do it….ALONE. ALOOOONE… And, considering this is the second time I’ve been alone in 2011, and most likely the last — what better time to run wild with abandon and go — GO — on 2011. On the other hand, it may have been a mistake to leave me alone, and this glass of wine is delicious…. I’ll wait until morning before I publish this.

Because 2011,
CHANGED MY LIFE.
AGAIN.
(sorry, that was loud. and this post is rather long.)

In 2011, we had a 2nd baby. We had a 2nd baby just when the first baby, now 4 years old, seemed well on his way to independence. And when I think about the dramatic and early entrance that Josephine made into our lives, paired with her current ability to get pretty much anything she wants — at 7.5 months old, it’s hard not to predict that we are in it for a lifetime. And again, NOT TO WORRY, when I say ‘in it’, I am of course referring to the bliss and unbridled happiness that comes with being Josephine’s Mom. The smiles. The heart-melting coos and squeals that make up for the refusal to sleep in her own bed. Or how she spits the baby food back out at you and then laughs at your reaction. But that’s okay, as you wipe the spring vegetable surprise from your face, just LOOK at how cute she is covered in puree…. and whatever, you can just forget about your hair — you aren’t going anywhere anyway.

But I know, having just done this for the past 4 years. This time is fleeting. It really is hard to believe that she’s 7.5 months old and that Will just completed his first semester of preschool. I mean… remember back when he was two and he quit napping and I thought my life was over? I mean… it really was over, but the realization was astounding… WHAT DO YOU MEAN I don’t have time to myself anymore? That I had to put my design ‘career’ (I know, don’t laugh) on hold, sit on the floor and PLAY? I mean REALLY. I’M EDUCATED — and LOOK, now I’m playing TRUCKS? But then it stopped. He did what most do and started playing BY HIMSELF. And then I was sad, alone… sitting on the floor with my trucks (not really). And now Jo — as demanding and irresistible a baby as there ever was…. tomorrow she’ll be kicking me out of her room and demanding to pierce something.

And, I know. I’m going to get to all of the other things that happened in 2011 — I’m just taking my time because I’m still alone. That, and I just can’t get over how pleased I am with everything in my life these days. The fun little boy I have. The food allergies that he seems to be growing out of (!) paired with his need to wear a fire helmet to the grocery store. The sweetest little girl I could have ever imagined — it’s even cute when she’s slapping my face and ripping my earrings out. I’ve even been working on a few design projects that seem to be moving along nicely, and I’m happy to report that things are calm both on the friend and family fronts.

All in all, while tooting my own horn from atop the highest pedestal, 2011 was a really good year all-around.

January… My sister Annie was married to her longtime love, Rob… Which led to a reunion of sorts in seeing friends and family that I haven’t seen in years, some of which read this bloggedy blog and therefore knew way more than I did about myself…. Later, I started reading an absurd amount of anything I could get my hands on, books – magazines, newspapers, a MANUSCRIPT written by a brilliantly talented individual that also had a baby in 2011… January was also the month when I started having Braxton Hicks otherwise known as false and not funny contractions even though I wasn’t due until the end of May. Good Times.

February found Mr. Sal and I returning to Portsmouth, NH where I took this picture whist Braxton Hicking all over New England:

I may never understand why I love this picture so much other than the fact that I was a giant pregnant lady salivating over the whole idea behind this window.

Nothing happened in March.
NOTHING.
Oh come on. It’s not like I was sitting on my hands or anything, although I was waiting for something to happen. Really, nothing happened and honestly, your bravado is rather rude.
FINE. Go see for YOURSELF.

April was one of the scariest months of my ENTIRE LIFE, although it started and ended with a blessing. I kicked the month off by opening the front section of the New York Times to see a 1937 picture of my long-passed Grandaddy on page A12 (with the crooked hat). This was a HUGE surprise and one that I will never forget… It made me feel individual and incognito all at the same time…. Here was this image of a man that all but a hand-full of us recognized thus giving the paper that day an entire different meaning than anyone in the world expected it to. And while there are pictures of people in newspapers everyday, this was a once in a hundred million lives, lifetime treat.

April was going to be a great month.

It was, however, only a few weeks into the month that Josephine decided to start her attempts of escaping from my belly — one of which found me in the hospital under the guise of false appendicitis. Her Alcatraz-like plan was foiled however, mostly due in part by the numerous prayers that were heard by the powers that be. But she didn’t hesitate to try again and five weeks before her due date, Josephine Dwyer was born. After a quick incubation, she arrived home healthy and happy — that is just as long as you are doing exactly what she wants you to. April was also the month when I read a book by Sammy Hagar (hangs head in shame) in approximately 2.5 hours — an amount of time that I will always regret losing…

The rest of the year has been a bit of a sleepless/timeless/listless haze filled with the closeness of growing and playtimes. There have been moments when I stop, clear my head and listen to the news or something, but for the most part I have been in an 8 month hibernation as a full time Mom. Two kids, as I am discovering, is intense. Beyond the trip that I thought I was signing up for, but also filled with an extraordinary balance and calm. Trying to make time for myself has proved to be near impossible, but when I feel the pull and struggle to do more, I come back around. This time is precious and I’d rather be here, experiencing the lives of my kids…. A pedicure would be nice though.

And, to just sum up the rest of the year, because OMG – I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE STILL READING THIS!
June – …the must in the air was a really choice herb…
July – …SOYLENT GREEN, SOYLENT GREEN…
August – …They don’t hate you…
September – …EVACUATION...
October – …Allergy kids and Lepers having so much in common…
November – …let’s all damn the man by smelling really bad…
And, December, Well. We’re here, aren’t we?

So, while not everything that happened in 2011 contributed to the life-changing handle that I’ve given it, the few things that did happen were quite large. [abundant, ample, barn door, blimp, booming, broad, bulky, capacious, colossal, comprehensive, considerable, copious, enormous, excessive, exorbitant, extensive, extravagant, full, generous, giant, gigantic, goodly, grand, grandiose, great, gross, hefty, huge, humongous, immeasurable, immense, jumbo, liberal, massive, monumental, mountainous, plentiful, populous, roomy, sizable, spacious, stupendous, substantial, super, sweeping, thumping, tidy, vast, voluminous, whopping, wide]. It’s amazing how two tiny people can pack such a punch.

And in ending, Merry Christmas my Friends — Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, Bodhi Day, Boxing Day, Hogmanay, Koleda, and Festivus, etc. Happy New Year. I will see you when things are fresh and new, 2012!

That’s the way the holidays start…

And I can hear the song playing off of my parents record player as my Mom, sisters and I made sugar cookies every Christmas — ending with Goodie, Goodie, Yum, Yum, Yum… A not so typical holiday song from the 1950s — and ever so eclectic when being played on vinyl…. (QUICK, click here to taste the yumminess).

In other news, Madonna is playing in the super bowl, Gingrich is AHEAD and Trump is moderating. Anyone else confused?

Remember yesterday….?? Yes. Yesterday — Will’s official 4th birthday? Right? Yes. Yesterday. We should have left it at that, right? YAY — Happy Birthday — here are your presents and DONE. MOVED ON. OVER. But no.

Because weeks ago Will mentioned that he wanted to have a birthday party and that he wanted to invite his entire class. Also, he wanted the few friends he has outside of the school community… as well as his aunts, and grandparents. Because this is WHAT KIDS WANT. And who would we be if we didn’t go ahead and COMPLY? Right? WHAT IF WE SAID NO? Because… in hindsight, and well within the realization that this would have made us the MEANEST PARENTS ALIVE, we should have listened to our inner meanness, done the right thing and said ABSOLUTELY NOT.

But no. This is not what happened. Instead we smiled, said OH REEEAAALLY, rushed to the nearest party store and sent out invitations. Immediately. Look at the brains on us.

Now, today is Wednesday. Which means that I still have two and a half (approximately) days to pull my house together, plan and prepare foods that are loaded with deliciousness AND somehow manage to NOT look like a deranged psychopath. And, I know. It’s a kids party. GET OVER IT. But you see… yesterday something else happened that was totally and completely self inflicted. Like the brainiac I am, I gave Will a set of BATTERY OPERATED LAWN EQUIPMENT toys for his birthday…. YES. That’s right. I willingly gave him POWER GARDEN TOOLS, which he LOVES and has not stopped using since yesterday afternoon. These aren’t just toys, my friends — these could be the real thing, and they MAKE THE BEST noises—WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ARGHGHEHGHEGHE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. And, while I was fully prepared to toss him outdoors with the weed whacker, blower, mower and chainsaw — he’s getting over a cold and therefore needs to play with all of them AT THE SAME TIME, inside.

So, while I’m rushing around, with a teething 7 month old that won’t let me put her down — pulling down the curtains that were water stained during the hurricane FOUR MONTHS AGO… WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE is playing in the background, and I’ve found time to sit down and type this with my toes while ordering 2 dozen balloons. Alone, each of these things would be completely within reason. Party. Power tools. TEETH. But together, the combination is resulting in treachery, and only HOURS OF DAYS to go until 12-15 kids and their (lovely, mind you) parents, as well as assorted others come over to hang out for an hour and a half. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT IS? And knowing me. ME. I’m damn near set straight to have this be an all out BLOW YOUR HAIR BACK kids party. I even bought 15 Slinkies for the gift bags. WHO DOES THAT?

The same one that bought the 4 year old his very own set of power tools, apparently.

Today is Will’s 4th birthday.

And while we spent the better part of the morning analyzing all things associated with the number four, I started to get a little choked up. Because it seems like yesterday that I was in the hospital 2 weeks before my due date thinking, wait — maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, I’VE CHANGED MY MIND. Only to realize that every aspect of my over-controlled life was about to be out of control. Because he’s going to be taller than me tomorrow. Because, every time he says, “Mom, can I tell you something?…” I know that the something is going to be well thought out and packed tight with observations. Because whenever he catches me dancing in the car to The Police he gets mad and insists that he doesn’t need for me to be so silly — as if I need a four year old to set me straight, as I ignore him until he can’t take it anymore – “MOM, STOP IT!!!! I can’t think with you dancing like that! It’s making all of me hurt!” And the knock knock joke begins with “Knock Knock” and ends with “Orange Banana” — which makes no sense but leaves him rolling with laughter… Who cares that the rest of us are only laughing because he’s so cute that I CAN’T STAND IT. While he stands up halfway through Thanksgiving dinner to tell everyone that they only have 2 minutes left and then they have to leave and go home so that he can have some peace and quiet. Because, good GAWD, time goes by too fast.

I know. I’m a little sick of the internet too.

However.

Despite the fact that the internet is currently being over-run by Mom bloggers and social media loving tweet freaks, I still have to maintain that having an online portfolio of work is still somewhat priceless. Kind of like real estate in the Hamptons — you know. Good to own even if you never visit. Like my neighbors whom I have run into three whole times since I moved here almost nine years ago. NINE YEARS. Nine. One less than ten and two less than eleven. ELEVEN.

I am, by the way, one of those Mom blogging tweeting freaks, so I maintain the right to criticize. But even more than that, one of the three times that my neighbors came over to my house was to accuse our dog of relieving himself in their yard. And when I pointed to our pup saying “Are you SURE?” — whilst the Bluedog happened to be in a leg cast due to a severe cut on his paw, and therefore completely INNOCENT of going next door and excusing himself inappropriately. Mrs. Neighbor looked confused but never apologized for suggesting that he was guilty. And that, my friends, was just over eight years ago… I remember it clearly because while our oh so pleasant exchange was bubbling — her daughter, then a toddler, was wandering through my white walled house with melted Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup all over her hands… and eventually my walls.

But whatever. Is it really my fault that I remember instances like this with crystal clarity? I could go back even further, should the need arise… which is kind of what I did as I built my new portfolio website. Looking through old projects — some over a decade in the making. Nostalgic over some that I loved dearly — and still do… Wondering if certain opportunities, such as being a Creative Director or owning a Design Firm are all experiences that have come and gone… Juxtaposed with business partners and employees gone sour as well as clients closing their doors. Tumultuous learning experiences that I can now apply to….

Because almost everything has a timeline, but usually the good stuff reappears. Television shows go, but reruns save face. People stop eating bread. Chocolate eventually comes out of white walls, and if not one can always repaint… And yes. I can still design stuff.

This is my interim kitchen desk.

The Boy is outside playing where I can see him (sort of), as is the Bluedog… And the baby is sleeping in her “sling” behind me. My desk is further inside the house (pictured here) but by being at the kitchen table, I am able to do about 12 things at the same time. And — the sling (also pictured here and here), which we like to call it because we aren’t going to refer to it as it’s real name, is probably the best thing to happen to babies and Moms lately… I highly recommend. That is unless you are on the team that thinks Fisher Price is the Devil… in which case, may I suggest removing your head from the bodily nether-regions. Say good-bye to crazytown. Because, WHATEVER, if it’s safe and the baby likes it — it works for me.

I have to do 12 things at once. Sometimes 13. And I know, WHY? We’ve discussed this several times before — the list making.. the obsessions, the NEEDS. But really, without getting all into it AGAIN, what is the big deal? I can overanalyze for hours.. until you stop hearing me and it all turns to white noise… Kind of like all of these political jackasses that think they are doing what is right for the American People… when I’m all DUDES – who the hell asked you to do ANYTHING.. that is, right before I crawl back under my rock where I pretend to ignore all things BUDGET, and OH YEAH, elections. But you know as well as I do that I just like to be busy.

Because, and here it is — THE POINT — remember that job offer I mentioned the other day? You know. The one that offered REAL money and the one that I, very appropriately, TURNED DOWN? Well — all things considered — I’ve allowed it to go to my head. (SHOCK.GASP. YAWN) That’s right. Aside from not having any of the required skills or time for the position, other than knowing about design and a few things blog, I have allowed the level of flattery to take me to places where I start to think that I could zero in, focus, and somehow turn this blog into something more functional. And, although I’m not quite sure where this inspiration will lead, I am starting to think more about the DIY’ers and the list makers — And I’m talking about the really good ones… coochicoos; eye blog; minor details; nonchalant mom; noodlehead; oh joy; paper+cup; re-nest (of course); not martha; small for big; ucreate; death by kerning, which is now called “pictures”, which is beyond lame… And a world of others that, if you dare, you can find shared over in the public resting area of my google account. The private area is well.. PRIVATE.

Design incorporation with a real life twist. I mean, the internet is vast as are the endless connections and references at my fingertips… it’s just a matter of getting started, letting it morph and then sprinkling in consistency… I’ve already started on the research — and considering last week’s offer, I think I might be good at it… that is unless they just wanted me for my charm and sparkling personality…Or, I know — for my GRACE, Right? And, I know, just waiting on the “IT” definition… but it’ll come to me, eventually.