Results tagged "Mother"

And I mean that in the most eloquent, and non-boob way possible…

You’ve all seen it by now. In fact, it’s old news and I’m way behind the times — clearing the buffers out of my brain that are filled with apple sauce, toy tractors and soy milk. It takes me a few days to clear my head, wipe the oatmeal from my eyelashes and say… What does that say? But the ‘Mom Enough Time Magazine’ cover that was released ever so obnoxiously, Pre-Mother’s Day weekend. Yeah. THAT ONE. The one that forces all to look where most try not to out of a little thing called PERSONAL SPACE. Because– not only is she sending a message about how awesome your arms can look with daily Pilates, but hello? Camouflage on a 5-year old? GROUNDBREAKING. My son has been wearing the military pattern for years, much to the chagrin of his leftist Preschool (Not that there’s anything wrong with that political standpoint. Get over yourself.) It’s FASHION, people. Even TIME MAGAZINE agrees.

Really TIME? You had nothing better to do than to sift through the Goddess files to find the one 26 year old, self-righteous (in her own right, because I’m non-confrontational) woman that wanted to stand up, say F-YOU, I BREAST FEED to the universe? Never mind the rest of us that — in one massive uproar, sheltered our cubs under massive butterfly wings and said, “ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?!?!” Because women, MOMS in particular, are not defensive at all. Go team YOU.

Admittedly, I didn’t read the article, so while I feel the need to write this post — I can’t speak for the content beyond Time’s cover. Apparently, you have to buy the issue if you want to read in detail and by the time that I reached the newsstand, the angry mobs of Moms had already had their kill. All I could find was a trampled issue of Saveur Magazine — the Bread Issue, which — half-gnawed on must have served as substance to one of the blood seekers. I would go into detail over what they did to the Vogue Scarlett Johansson issue, but really — the images are too graphic for my descriptive ability. HOWEVER, I did read the online interview with Miss MOM ENOUGH (in capital red letters) on Time’s website — I don’t know, aside from the weirdness of shoving her boob into a her kindergarten-aged children’s mouths, she seems okay — a little loopy, but what Mom isn’t? And whatever, if that’s your thing — DO IT. Obviously, someone at Time Magazine is happy that you did — sitting in an accounting room, counting dollars upon dollars where the once dilapidated and tired magazine was, just yesterday, scrounging for pennies…MUHAHAHAA, WHO CAN WE PISS OFF NEXT?!?! While many would have been perfectly fine not knowing, and NOT getting angry over imagery and words that point and accuse. Blood pressures would have remained normal — and those of us with a sense of humor wouldn’t be wondering if we need to be careful about our boobs and what mouths they end up in. But whatever, who’s to stop those that feel compelled to share — in all seriousness, or not.

via the lovely blogger lateenough

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Hello there… won’t you please come in.

I’ve been hoping that you would stop by — there are so many things going on these days that its hard to keep track — What haven’t I told you lately?

Did I tell you about how inconvenient it is that I moved my computer to the basement? Yes. It was a bad idea. Now almost every time I need or want to compute, I have to slink off under the guise of doing laundry. It was also rather inconvenient that my accountant moved his office from the neighboring town of Hampton Bays to a place called Aquebogue…. Which makes me think that I have to borrow Mr. Sal’s thigh high fishing waders and head out into the bogs of Long Island while carrying peace offerings so as not to upset the natives. What’s that? Long Island doesn’t have any bogs? Really. ARE YOU SURE? Because I just googled it and therefore must BEG TO DIFFER.

Do you know what else Long Island has? PINE BARRENS…. Masses of pine trees huddled and mopped together to form clumps of forestry so thick that if you were to stick your hand in, it might just take DAYS to pull it back out. Right? Although I’ve never actually tried this, as I drive to places like AQUEBOGUE, I can envision this happening. Which is not only why I’m more afraid of Pine Barrens than I am of a bullet riddled Hood — But ALSO why I’ve chosen to write a blog post that seems to be about nothing. Because I spent a good part of the past few days reading through Mommy Blogs and I have to say that writing about nothing might be a better choice for time well spent.

It all started rather innocently, with my perusal of a few really good blogs that I enjoy on an almost daily basis. I would never consider these blogs to be “Mom Blogs” because they don’t focus solely on the lives of the writer’s children. Instead they blather on about idiosyncratic topics OF WHICH I feel compelled to compare my own life with and THEREFORE consider to be nothing short of GENIUS. At one point, as is what usually happens here in this conundrum of the internet, I clicked on a link… and then another… and another… and another until I was lost and wandering aimlessly through a sea of angry and heavily drinking Moms that seem to not only loathe their daily lives, but also have no qualms about sharing these rather sad and insecure feelings about their kids, husbands and general STATI-Q in life.

A lot of these blogs, of which I’m too nice to actually link to so that the Moms don’t hunt me down and force me into the Pine Barrens, focus on really personal things… like cute pictures of kids coinciding with posts about not having enough time to ones self anymore… or how so-in-such’s life could be so much different today had she not married while pregnant and, yadda 3 more kids later, she’s lucky to get one night out a week away from the dirty bastards. The bastards, of course, being her kids… not the chain gang of friends that she also has photographs of on her blog, in what I can only assume is her home, doing keg stands and smoking butts–Blindingly F’d up, while the kids, I mean BASTARDS, hang around at knee high vantage. And, while I am sitting here, beating myself up for inconveniencing myself by moving my computer to a place in my house that is seemingly impossible to get to… I would MUCH rather hang out with my kid, not complaining.

SO, what’s going on here? I mean, aside from the good Mom Bloggers — of which I liken to Gilda the Good Witch, there are also some rather talented writers out there that AREN’T MOMS and also know that this is ALL WRONG. Could it be that the lives of other semi-celebrity, self-proclaimed Mommy Bloggers have made it such that others feel the need to TELL ALL online? Do they think that there is the same status waiting for them at the end — along with SWAG and personal assistants? Fame & Fortune… And her little dog too! And when exactly DOES IT END? When the dirty bastards, aka CHILDREN, finally escape from the lives that their Moms have told us all about in some aspect of pride? REALLY? And is it worth it? Because, even though I’m writing this from the TALLEST PEDESTAL IN EXISTENCE,  if attempting to write seriously about hating motherhood is the new white, then I remain cloaked in BLACK (seeing how it’s spring-n-all).

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Okay. So today is Wednesday January 27, 2010. I know I ranted a few days ago about things all changing at once but this is ridiculous although I’m feeling less stressed because I think its finally sunk  into my stubborn-never-do-anything-different-or-modify-things-in-an-way-shape-or-form head that nothing is the same, and that’s okay. Can anyone out there tell me if something has caused this? Some MOON thing or the tides – or is this the year of the chicken or duck or something? Because it seems like a lifetime ago that things were normal and it’s only been a few weeks. And if I could just get an hour at the keyboard to myself then I might be able to retain my sanity because there are four days left in this FORSAKEN MONTH and what else could possibly happen? Because I knew that things would change… but all in a span of four weeks? Here is the run down and I apologize for the repetition:

1. I stopped eating dairy and eggs. I thought I’d try this because Will can’t eat dairy or eggs and I wanted to see what would happen. Well, its not that bad, but with the unexpected super fast loss of 5 pounds, one has to worry about what I’ve done to my body thus far AND none of my clothes fit me — I’m wearing a bag right now… with a nice belt.
2. The 5 pound loss could also be attributed to the change in dinner routine where we actually sit down by FIVE THIRTY PM as a family to eat instead of waiting for Will to go to bed and then make dinner by  – oh 10:00.
3. We started working on THE HOUSE. Which is great but now I’m obsessed with decor and finding it hard to concentrate on most other things including WORK.
4. Not concentrating on work is okay since I am a killer procrastinator and started another blog AND was just relieved of my office lease– which I had another 6 months on. So now I can run free through the meadow in my bag and nice belt, finally CLOSE THE COMPANY and become an Independent Creative Consultant (again).
5. Closing the company is actually a huge relief because its been the bane of my existence since co-founding it with that boob half-wit of an ex-business partner. Then there were those people at that magazine which made life just so unnecessarily annoying. Then there were all those other clients that couldn’t/wouldn’t pay for requested work and others that stole design ideas and found cheaper firms to produce. And then let us not forget the disgruntled employees, disappearing programmers and the freelancers that borrowed things from the office. I did, however, have the opportunity to work on amazing projects with a few amazing people — but once the economy stopped cooperating and throwing money at us, the daily stress of operation was overwhelming.
6. Being an Independent (again) is also a good thing because the nap that moved from the morning to afternoon two weeks ago is now OVER. As I just now say “go lay down” again to the head peeking around the corner as I type this as fast as possible. Because this morning he jumped out of his crib at 6 am. It scared all of us but I got him to lay down again — only to have him acrobatically leap out again with the grace of a gazelle and land on his feet less than five minutes later. And, after modifying his crib so that he won’t break his neck, nap time has turned into a game of “see how many times Mom will tell me to go lay down before she admits that this isn’t working and the nap is over”. Bedtime will be interesting.
7. I suppose this game of not napping isn’t as bad as the DON’T SAY THAT game where he says “f’ing idiot” and I say “DON’T say that” which only results in him saying it like 18 more times with a huge smile on his face. I’m so looking forward to him starting preschool next week so that he can play this with a complete stranger that won’t judge me AT ALL. Then there’s the whole potty thing which he decided he wanted to try. Damn this PARENT THING IS HARD. And now he’s in the hallway rocking chair singing it with pride.

So, given that there are four more days of January, and my sanity is being held up by a thin strand of the ability to laugh at myself in humbling situations. I can only look forward to February where the seas will part, money floweth free and the sanctity of WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN NEXT will remain a game  of “Go Lay Down”. Right?

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