OKAY.
So yesterday was weird. I know.

Not only did I think it was Friday — almost all day long, but the post I put up attracted so many visitors to this blog that I suddenly found myself standing in a freshly cut corn field — alone, naked and shoeless… Reaching for the skies in an effort to understand WHY, my sweet basil, WHY do weirdos have to create such a barrier of understanding that normal people (you know, like you and me) have to stare in disbelief before trying to come to REASON with the entire situation?!? Right? Because the situation was silly. Bizarre even. It was never my intention to have so many people find me via such ridiculousness…. I’d much rather people came here to peruse, ignore and leave quietly… LIKE THEY USUALLY DO. And while it is certainly okay for strange things to happen to other people — that I don’t know or have any association with, when these things to enter into my realm of domesticity and chosen ignorance is NOT OKAY. One weird thing leads to another… then I don’t know what day it is… then I’m heating up leftovers and waking up every few hours after dreaming about filing my own nails ((shudder)).

It all reminds me of this guy that I was once friends with. He had this “safety” theory. Like — never leave the comfort zone…. Always stay in line with the pack. Never stray once the feeling of security has been breached. And while others were crossing state borders in search of fun and ‘new experiences’ — he always wanted us to return… bringing it all to him in the comfort of his own bubble-like existence. Boring – yes. Lazy – definitely. But at least things weren’t tripped out. He knew then what I know now – -testing the waters of mid-70s David Bowie combined with the extremes of overdosing on Flight of the Concords episodes only works if you are entertaining. But without talent, does not 15 minutes of fame equal. Right? Because Spinal Tap was supposed to be funny.

And with that all said in way too many words… Here is a really short list of links that I’ve been saving up to share — I’m going to try to do this every Friday in an effort to regiment myself beyond the capacity of sensible thinking… join me. Good times.

• “Grass-Fed” does NOT make it good…
• Up in arms over legs…
• Another Twitter analysis…
• Wikipedia catalogs Crayola… (because you know you’ve been holding your breath…)

I know. None-to-impressive. I’ll let you know when the internet says something new and not weird and annoying.

Okay. okay.

So word has it that some huge library of knowledge out there is now collecting and logging every TWEET ever made. Mr. Sal informed me of this the other night — probably in an attempt to pull me away from THE TWITTER — you know, scaring me that my tweets about pajama pants and FDA warnings were a sure sign that THEY ARE ONTO ME. I was cooking or reading off of my iPad at the time and therefore was only half listening to the warnings about how someone out there… with A JOB (emphasis on A JOB, because you know — all I do is half listen while attempting to come up with something new and thoughtless to blog about). But before I continue — This is NOT a post complaining about Mr. Sal… Or Twitter… Or the Library where someone has a JOB.

Since what I half heard was that a library out there (could be the one of Congress, but it could also be the tiddly wink one down the street where Will likes to pull the fire alarm — we hope to be asked back soon) thinks that Tweets now equal 140 characters of important historical significance, of WHICH could be used in a court of law someday… Or when the screenplay I’m thinking about ‘Makes It’ someone can say  – YEAH — But did you READ her Tweet about Eating POTATO CHIPS?! Or when the book I’m illustrating finally becomes an award winning HBO Short — replayed on YouTube, I could be vilified for my constant raggings on Facebook. In thinking about the possibilities, I became oddly flattered that someone out there (with a job) is archiving these little morsels of what could never be considered genius.  Someone out there cares.

So, after taking an entire 20 minutes or so to digest this information, along with just about all of the other food within reach, I turned to the local news website for something real…

“Police Still Searching For Woman Who Tried To Rob Water Mill Bank”

I know – CATCHY!

I love a good heist, so I was hooked immediately… knowing full well that every glance I took at the 27east.com website was making me more and more suspect to all of those website trackers out there… Right? I envision a whole team of investigators, each assigned to half a dozen million website viewers a day — just following there every click… where are they going? what are they reading… and more importantly – ARE THEY BUYING ANYTHING!??! And while I was reading this news brief on how investigators were failing to catch the mystery woman… my eyes landed on this sentence: “A police report of the incident says the teller told police that the would-be robber approached her, hands inside the woman’s pockets, and gave her a note that read: “Give me all your money.” When the teller asked the woman if she had a gun, the woman said she did not, but would get one and return.”

And that, my friends, is when I decided that I’ve been going about this whole ‘living life’ thing the wrong way.

PS. Follow me on Twitter.

Oh – and on a completely unrelated, yet somehow related topic, this rose is frozen outside my bedroom window… I didn’t have to ask it to wait while I went to get my camera…

Psst.
Hello? Anyone… Ferris.

I love coming in here on the weekends… it’s almost like walking around a wax museum. I can remember when I was fully employed (gasp!) by a reputable company (double gasp!) on Boston’s North Shore — I would go into the office on Saturdays to get a few things done if the next week was predictably busy. It was great — no one there to talk my ears off asking things like “what’s on your plate” or “just a heads up on the pipeline”, no annoying co-worker tapping his mouse in an attempt to make my brain explode… no one cooking CANNED SOUP in the next room. I loved it… That is until everyone else caught on that the office was awesome on Saturday. Then I just returned to binge drinking.

And so this morning after I baked dairy & egg free chocolate chip cookies — square and with holes…(and if it’s any consolation, I can feel you shaking your head in disappointment, Martha..) I was feeling a little… unresolved. So I glanced over this way and said to myself, ‘SELF, taking the time to use parchment paper may have been the only way to have kept those cookies from melting before they baked, but now — the only way that you are going to save face around here is if you run and hide.’ Which leads me to why I am here… on the internet, on a Saturday. I surfed a bit, answered an email or two and then came to the realization that no. Nothing is going on here.

And with finding myself COMPLETELY ALONE, I have the perfect opportunity to update myself and everyone else (yes you — the only other person on the internet today) on a few little things.

1. I am looking for new projects. I know this is a vague statement, but I’ve attempted to put some guidelines with it to no avail. So, if you have a project and you think that you might like to share — don’t hold back. I am the queen of projects. I can do about 30 of them at the same time, but that’s not all. I can also do about 30 of them at the same time WHILE doing them well. Like really well. And not to toot my own horn (ew) but these square cookies with holes rock. And I’m not… but I am, just saying that.
2. A few months ago I went against every fiber of my being and hit a few obscure links on Facebook which resulted in For the Birds having its very own (VERY OWN!) Facebook page. I guess that this could mean something if I cared about it… but there has been a weenie little banner ad festering over there in the right hand column (—>) that likes to wink at me while attempting to woo me with flashy dreams of overnight success…. to which I quickly throw my arms up screaming DAMN THE MAN, even though he’s only like 20 years old… Been there, DONE THAT – 20 year old OLD (filthy rich) MAN. But then I decided to keep the page anyway to see what happens… despite my attempts — but at least remaining ever hypocritical, even I can whore my blog out. So if you’re here, and you have a Facebook account… you can also find me there… because I know one website couldn’t POSSIBLY be enough.
3. I’m taking Facebook one step further and sending friend requests to all of my relatives and/or people that I have met recently. So, dear long lost cousins, it is okay if you tell your friends that some rando is stalking you — but just know, it’s only me…
4. I’m still on Twitter, and I still don’t understand it.
5. This looks like one hell of a party — but does Thom know? And why does anyone get to call her Ellykins? But aren’t the brooches cute?? You know you want one…
6. I’ve been working on my Studio – here’s phase #2 (here’s the before in case you missed it)…

   
   
   
   
   As you can see, we are still in a bit of a space struggle with different interests, but we are getting there. There has to be a happy medium somewhere.

So that’s it. This is my Saturday, and although I think I’ll keep this little postie post posted a few days so that it isn’t lost in the galactosphere — aren’t you so happy that I shared? Now I’m off to make something else… sauce or brooches… world peace or piles of laundry — its all relative.. and who cares, right? SATURDAY.

We’ve been saying that a lot lately around here…

When really we just need to get back to being normal. Because YEAH SO WHAT Martha Stewart is following you. You still need to do all the things you did before… Before last Thursday. Because YEAH WHATEVER BIG DEAL, you look really unattractive with a giant MOON HEAD. Just let it go. Just get over it. Just MOVE ON  — just like nothing ever happened. Stop telling Twitter how much you love it and then slap it back into remission — IT DOESN’T UNDERSTAND.

So.. while we eat our Turkey Meatballs and stare longingly out into space… just twitching a little bit over the whole not-a-situation-but-sure-feels-like-it kick in the head, we are calming down. And with that I present… Mari’s Random Five.

She’s still following me.

And this has officially become nothing short of an obsession.

Martha Stewart is still following me on Twitter, and I’ve had a few days to let this sink in… And when I say sink in, I mean SHAMWOW–Trust me, you’ll say WOW Every Time! And I’m still tracing through the wires of the Internet to try and find out why. I mean, yes. There is Will’s Kitchen, which is a stand alone obvious — THAT’S WHY, but I can’t wrap my head around the layers of circumstances that may have led Martha (because we are on a first name basis, obviously) to my Twitter account. So, what happens when she stops following me? What happens when Twitter ends? Do we all go running over to Facebook, banging on the doors… screaming for answers? Do we clamor over the, nicely manicured (mind you) garden fence to peek inside the windows into someone else’s life and existence, just like the old days? What is she DOING NOW? But then I digress and gaze over the new paint colors that Martha just released at Home Depot and sip my hot water with lemon, thinking about what Will wants to cook next — and just why is Martha Stewart following me?    

There is a fine line between getting your point across and being utterly annoying…

And I think I’m just about to cross it.

Thursday morning I was staring at my Twitter account wondering just what had happened to that one follower had decided to, in fact, pack their bags and move on… Just what were they thinking? Was it my Tweet questioning why some women wear spandex leggings as if they are in a perpetual state of exercise when clearly, they are not… Was it my response to Elly regarding the use of the word Internet as a verb… Or perhaps it was my Artistic Things ReTweet of my post about Ende? All intriguing but not without context — I pondered what drove them away, but decided it was time to just let it go and move on when, out of the corner of my eye, I witnessed the small yet daunting “followers” number wink at me, and then jump back up by one.

If you are one of those people that’s all like OH THAT’S NOTHING, I demand that you go away right now.

Martha Stewart is following me on Twitter, and I don’t think that there is an increment of time fast enough to describe how quickly I reacted in following her back… Or the speed in which I sent her a direct message: “Hey, thanks for the follow, please be sure to check out our new food blog, http://willskitchen.com — all about cooking with kids! Fun and Yummy!”. It only took me a few minutes to realize what a total geek I sounded like but HEY, MARTHA is following me on Twitter!

But it didn’t end there. Yeah, that’s right.. it had to go to another level.. IT JUST HAD TO. Now, I don’t really think that Ms. Stewart is doing the actual tweeting… but one never really knows, do they? It isn’t like she doesn’t have anything else to do…. Regardless, I suspected this was an accident, so I tortured myself and only checked twitter every other hour to see if she was still there. She was. AND – she STILL IS. Although we’ll just see about that after this post.

But why me? Is it because I’m double jointed, or because I mix my colors and whites? Or because I mentioned her new crafting book the other day? OR, because my sister is getting married, or because I just purchased a copy of her new magazine Body + Soul? OR, because I obsess about EVERYTHING? Yes. That must be it… And none of this was driving me crazy AT ALL… Because Martha is following me on Twitter and there isn’t anything to worry about.

BUT THAT ISN’T ALL.

Because a few hours ago my new BFF, Martha, Tweeted this:

RT @themarthashow
Do you want to attend our food blogging show? Make sure to get your
request in before it’s 2 late! http://ow.ly/1zsNU

So — it made sense. Will’s Kitchen, OF COURSE. But wait. Martha found me on Twitter through my twitter ID of forthebirdsblog. I only half mention Will’s Kitchen — the domain is there, but it isn’t linked. It’s all very suspect… and so before my head explodes… I am on a mission. A mission to go to this Martha Stewart taping and, at the very least, somehow have Will’s Kitchen mentioned. And virtually… I am taking all of you with me. And with this I request, dear friends.. sit back, relax and if you find a spare moment, loosen up those vocal chords and sing from the highest heights…  alert the world… Will’s Kitchen on The Martha Show or Bust. One small step for man… 

I want to… Be understood…
Go to Reykjavik. Get my MFA. Drive a Mini like a NASCAR racer and then set it on fire. Talk the talk and walk the walk. Open a gallery. Win some money. Let it all go. Stop the hating. Know why he’s crying. Cure things. Start it all over again. Dance. Know how to sit still. Go to the spa. Make it work. Wear flip flops. Have someone take care of it. Broaden our horizons. Go to Block Island. Be friends with Madonna. Cancel the Today Show. Plant tomatoes. Build the perfect playground. Be carefree. Host my own galleried show. Stop trying so hard. Bounce. Find the patience. Love all the sister wives. Take it all back. Move. Finish the house. Publish. Clean up the clutter. Find old friends. Quit Facebook. Bury the keys. Go kayaking. Bake wheat bread. Get the lawn furniture out. Speak. Build a following. Be the guy behind the guy. Hide. Just know. Filter. Damn the man. Buy new clothes. Wait it out. Sit in the sun. Make use of all 24 hours. Stop annoying myself.  

This past week was a strange one.

My phone has been ringing off the hook due to my ad placement for help–the cobwebs shaking off the receiver… Hundreds of calls–and I had the paper take the ad offline. It’s been interesting to talk to so many people about what I want and need… One woman actually said that she was answering the post because of the economy… not necessarily that she has childcare experience… I told her to come right over…. Just what I’m looking for–Desperation in the name of Watch my Child. Are you kidding me? But then the weather warmed up and melted everything… only to have Mother Nature open her blind eye and demand MORE SNOW. And you should see my me when I say MORE SNOW, because both of my eyes start blinking wildly and every hair on my head stands up perfectly straight for about a half second…  Because no one is talking about MORE SNOW… so I won’t either…

I had a client request this past week.. A complete and total 180°. “Abandon my Blog. And take me off of Twitter.” But why? And the reasoning made more sense to me than most topics these days… “Because,” said the Big Man on Campus… “Because I see what you and others do with your blogs and…” The explanation went on but it was a matter of upkeep and anonymity. And then it made even more sense. It is easier to be followed — easier to be sought after if you aren’t right there. It was only a few months ago that this same individual NEEDED to be connected.. But that was then and this is now… Now, where it’s cooler to be hard to get – difficult to track down… a pedestal height that can be considered an achievement… I can hear the words now — “He’s not EVEN on Facebook”–but he never really was. The experiment tried and tried… but in the end – SOCIAL MEDIA FAIL. 

So now what? Is this the new wave of been there done that? As we are faced with even more tools to push ourselves more out there? Follow, Connect, Do it, DO IT NOW, What are you doing now? Why? HOW? 

Tools like this one:    

Because we’ve all gotten ourselves into this ball of internet wax – and it isn’t going to melt anytime soon…. And although the bleacher seats are shiny and new — they are still outside and, if I’m not mistaken, I do believe the forecast for next week just might call for snow.

You want to see how my brain feels this week? You should take a look at this rattle over at Small for Big. With a brain that squirrelly, this week’s picks are more feel good than ever. When I was a kid I used to say “Simple pleasures for complex minds, we need the break”. Yeah, I was a nerd, you hadn’t guessed that yet? With the weird prose I write? Regardles, let’s focus on visually lovely things that might help my mind rest a bit. Feel free to buy any one of these and send it to me pronto. I’d love you forever.

1. Roost
   Nairobi Stool, Velocity Art & Design $150
2. Offshore
   Convertible Top, Free People $48
3. Silver
   Deer Necklace, Retro Skor, $16.99
4. Built
   by NYC Shoulder Bag – Girard Collection, Swiss Knife Shop $69.99
5. Woodland
   Owl Wing Headband, Sleepy King, $16
6. Ry’s addition to this week’s Random Five — because we are on complex patterns and she loves to shop for her niece, (slightly obsessed with little girl clothes because she has a bruiser of a boy two year old) — Check out a new FTB Twitter Follower VYSSAN LULL’s Retro Dress Orange by Strömming, $62:

Well… we realized last Monday that it was January and that we haven’t been on a vacation in over 3 years. Yes. 3 years… So, without hesitation and/or thought, we decided to leave the kid to fend for himself and went here:

Just kidding. We could never get through security without the kid.

Again, just kidding.
And I know – NOT FUNNY. But thank you for asking… especially my Twitter friends that cuddled me through our ordeal. Because… you see, we didn’t go there. Oh no. We did not. Instead, we went here:

Where there was this:

And this is just a teaser because I just returned and my mind is still numb from the experience. Jealous much? I think SO!