Results tagged "Pablo Picasso"

I know, I know. We aren’t going to have that talk, are we? Right? Because whatever. IT’S PERSONAL. So why would I want to bring this topic up? Why would I leave baskets upon baskets of unfolded laundry mixed in with 23 unanswered voicemails and oh about 4,612 emails to organize, JUST TO TALK ABOUT SEX?!?! Well because, like sands through the hourglass… EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT IT. I mean COME ON ALREADY. SEX SEX SEX. And why? I mean, what is the big deal? It’s not something new? I mean… who knows exactly when it started. But I’m pretty sure that it’s been going on for A REALLY LONG TIME.

But here is the thing. And please don’t go and get all offended while I fan myself with yesterday’s news… I’m not too good for you. I don’t talk about SEX. I just don’t talk about it. NOT AT ALL. And although I am a practicing control freak, I really am not that uptight — although, yes, my lips are completely pursed right now. Because I’m talking about SEX. SEX. Which is a serious, worldwide, church lady issue that is in CONSTANT MOTION. And I know all about constant motion because in college my roommates and I went through a totally disgusting phase where we NEVER cleaned the bathtub, and therefore showering was like tap dancing… on ice.

SEX is today’s topic of choice, and the reasoning behind it has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. But apparently I’ve said too much about all kinds of other stuff because… not one, but TWO of YOU have requested that I leave my brain for a moment, get all down and dirty and start to think about it. IT. And now I have been — FOR TWO ENTIRE DAYS. SEX. And, although I have never been one to wonder if another individual WOULD or WOULD NOT have SEX with me, the task at hand is to list and discuss five fictional characters that might just be lucky enough to wander the wonders of this heavily guarded territory. And by guarded, I mean it… YOU SHALL NOT PASS. Unless I’m married to you… In which case, giddy up–big man on campus.

So, in short, Vapid, Vanilla, and the rest of you SEX CRAZED LUNATICS, here is my list– in no particular order. If you need anything else from me I’m either at my sewing machine reconstructing my chastity belt or I’m over there in the kitchen checking my teeth for lipstick with my stainless steel spatula, wearing this apron and wondering just WHO does Lady Gaga think she is?

Number One. Gilbert Blythe.

I know. He often looks lost and confused. Which is EXACTLY why he would be perfect for things like… hopscotch. Because there is NOTHING sexier than HOPSCOTCH. But Mr. Blythe was my first character crush as a tom-boyish book nerd that read the ENTIRE Ann of Green Gables series AND, to this very day, SWOOOOOONS when he finally asks Ann to marry him. Let’s say that again… SWOOOOONNNNZZZZ.

Number Two. Han Solo.

This is pretty self explanatory. Please talk amongst yourselves while I work on my Leia buns.

Number Three. Pablo Picasso.

I know… I know. First of all this guy was real, but more importantly… YOU’D DO IT WITH AN OLD MAN?!?!
But I have serious ULTERIOR motives here.

Picasso was a major son of a bitch. He was a complete man whore womanizer that chewed them up and spit them out. But not only that… He also stole the likeness of every woman he ever had relations with and USED THEM IN HIS ART… making them PERMANENT FIXTURES IN ART HISTORY. So yeah… while the bastard made them all cry and beg him for his company…. whatevs, get over it– QUIT YOUR WHINING. Call it art for art’s sake… but this likeness, Pablo, my dear… like NOTHING you would have ever imagined.

Number Four. Theo Faron aka Clive Owen.

In Children of Men, Theo is tormented and troubled… Which is OK because ADMIT IT. You would be too if you were saving the pregnant mother of the next coming of CHRIST. And I know that’s not entirely what the movie was about, but right? He’s down to earth, slightly morbid and totally suspect of every person, place and thing that he comes in contact with. But that’s Theo– of whom I have no attraction to whatsoever. In real life, however, Clive looks dauntingly similar in appearance to the man I married. Which adds way more meaning to the plot than any yahoo trying to save the universe.

Number Five. Special Agent Dale Cooper.
 
If not because he’s taken on the task of solving the infamous death of Laura Palmer… then for the brandished detective work while faced with
the seedier layers of life lurking beneath an all American small town. Dudes, this guy shocks at NOTHING… not to mention he looks super neat and is most likely a die hard republican with TONS of built up tension in that perfect little knot of what could be more perfect…. whew!mymouthisdry!… WAITER – BRING ME MORE WATER AND THIS TIME DON’T FORGET THE LEMON!!!!

So that’s it… now you know…
So tell me… how was it?
Was it everything you thought it would be? Or did I leave you just GASPING FOR MORE? Because I mean.. isn’t that what SEX is about anyway? Whatever. Leave it outside next to the muddy boots because I’m not cleaning up after you. Because Rome wasn’t built in a day.. AND WHY NOT? It totally SHOULD HAVE BEEN, Dammit!… if people weren’t so busy running around dealing with SEX ALL THE TIME. UGH!