Results tagged "Sport utility vehicle"

I was leaving the grocery store today when a fleet of angry carts rolled through the parking lot and launched an attack. It was raining and super windy and who knows why they selected me — seeing how I parked my misanthropic beast of an SUV a million miles from the store. Regardless, they rolled with fury and as I lifted Will into his car seat I stepped right into a massive puddle… I could feel them pressing their metal up against my back so after locking the boy in place I turned and glared for them to retreat… My feet soaking in grocery store parking lot muck — they taunted me by spinning their wheels so I yelled – - I KNOW! I KNOW I NEVER THANKED MY READERS FOR ALL THE LOVE! And, having admitted this, they started to back-off… while I, in turn, wet–cold and defeated, drove out of the parking lot in ultimate stealth mode… only to catch them eyeing my exit. 

And it is with great pleasure that I thank the following for recognizing me and all of my aimless internet babble:

Dufmanno: Thank you for the “I Heart Your Blog” award. I’ll meet you in 1986 where we can shimmy to Two of Hearts in all of our Stacey Q glory. Then we can play The Police’s “MOTHER” backwards and find the real meaning behind the reason… in the dark. 

Lagunatic: Thank you for the “Honest Scrap” award. I’ll meet you at Easter with a basket of chocolate eggs. Because chicken embryos are off limits. Sistah. Then we can bore ourselves to death by thanking each other over and over again until we get angry and have a cat fight because we were being all too polite to begin with.

and…

Dear Vapid: Thank you for the “I Heart Your Blog” award. Honestly, when we meet I hope that we don’t worry others around us too much with endless obscenities and giggling. Nonstop spasmodic giggling. I’m giggling right now. And you are too. Stop. STOP. At least we will be wearing capes.

So that’s it for now. And now I’m weepy from the love. Did I mention that I love you? ALL of you? Even the ones out there that completely ignore me. And then read my blog. The ones that send me mean emails. And then read my blog. The ones that get super annoyed with me on an almost daily basis. And then read my blog… and then read my other blog. blog blog blog blog.

Yesterday I was first in line at a stop light in my huge SUV. Next to me there was a Hampton Jitney bus — if you are not familiar, they are the same as Greyhound buses but slightly more rotund and totally oblivious to any other vehicles on the road. So, I’m at this light waiting patiently… thinking about the goods I just purchased for the afternoon BAKING session… along with a creeping OCD panic that the BUS was about to fall on me — PLEASE — LIGHT TURN GREEN…  So when the light turns green – I begin to inch forward in an attempt to pass the bus before an upcoming merge when from out of nowhere a VERIZON phone company truck runs the intersection’s red light and misses me by a hair… gasping, I swerve into the Hampton Bays Diner parking lot… glancing up only to catch the VERIZON driver giving me the finger and laughing wildly like some swamp yankee cowboy riding a bronco.

After catching my breath… I grasped the wheel firmly and thought… If these Allergen Free Chocolate Chips let me down SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY.

Because, here’s the thing. Baking and cooking without eggs or milk or anything containing the two is not only new to me, but it is almost uncharted territory all together. There are a few cookbooks out there and I’m slowly making my way through them… but what I’ve noticed is that all of the recipes, thus far, are somewhat off the mark. For example… one recipe that we make quite frequently calls for 1/4 cup of water and notes that “you probably won’t need the whole 1/4 cup”… If this were accurate… you’d need teeth of steel to bite through the result… adding more… you actually need more like 2 cups. Another calls for 2 cups of lard vegetable shortening.. when, in an attempt to lighten the hockey puck to resemble a cookie — 1/4 cup works like a charm. But that isn’t all… and this might just be me being me, but aside from NOT TESTING THE RECIPES before publishing… only a handful of these books are nicely designed. If I’m going to take you seriously as a cookbook… show me the food. IN COLOR. Leave the clip art over there in the craft corner where it belongs… THIS IS FOOD. TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

So – before all of this… when I was picking up my first dairy/egg/nut free guide to life I thought – This will be GREAT! And then it wasn’t… So I turned to the Vegetarians & Vegans and thought YES – but then No. So now… standing in a sea of half-baked attempts of others, I realize that these aren’t guidebooks… these are just suggestions. I might just have to take my shoes off and roam the snow-filled streets on my own… spatula and sifter in hand… Maybe the Verizon Truck Driver would have thought twice had he known my plight. 

This just makes me want to park in this space that much more.

But you see, I can’t  – I can’t because I drive an enormous car. A huge SUV. A monster gas-guzzler that could literally crush any fuel efficient vehicle in its path. I know this, not only due to the laws of physics, but also because I recently witnessed a car accident in Bridgehampton where a buzzing little bee of a low emissions car pulled out of a space on 27 West and rammed directly into an SUV that was minding its own business… just driving along… The SUV remained unscathed while the weenie of an environmentally acceptable car had it’s hood up over the roof, lost front bumper and two front tires rolling down the street… Air bags popping all over the place. The driver was fine, a few bruises, but whoa. We were walking on the sidewalk when this happened right in front of us… I froze for a second, then grabbed my son and ran back to our SUV – - Yikes. What if another tiny car was to pull out of somewhere… And please get me out of there before the traffic reaches murderous levels. Witness? What? I didn’t see anything Officer… please move your little car… just, just GO!!!

Now, I don’t have anything against saving the universe, greening the planet or drivers of little cars… I’m quite for all of it, actually. I recycle, I buy organic–And you should just SEE the non-plastic shopping bag collection that I have compiled. I TRY….But I also prefer to have my family locked and strapped down in the most aggressive looking tank of a monster vehicle… especially when faced with putting ourselves in the hands of other drivers. Accidents happen, I’ve been there… and I would much rather clean the other car off of my SUV with a baby wipe than deal with the unthinkable.

And so, similar to that of handicapped parking–I will not park my massive car in the space reserved for fuel efficiency… because those drivers are clearly in need of special attention. I will not park there despite the fact that there are no special parking signs up, right against the new Southampton Post Office, for working moms that have to carry their 30lb–often wiggling to not be carried–children across the dangerous and poorly planned parking lot. The parking lot that contains massive SUVs as well as tiny cars that can pull out of somewhere at any given second and destroy themselves by brushing past other vehicles…. But oh, the overwhelming need to park in this space. The Boiling Blood that this sign was written and exists despite the fact that we sought out the safest possible car to drive our child around in. I’m sorry, did you say selfish? Did you say environment? I am parking here. I am parking my massive, gas devouring SUPREME UTILITY VEHICLE in this specially reserved, fuel efficient, move to the back of the bus, space… and I welcome your eyes of silent judgment. Come on, say something to me… it will be fun.