Results tagged "Television"

It’s been a week and one day since we were told to go.

And, although we returned this past Tuesday, the whole “get your family off of the island” train of thought has yet to find a comfortable place in my heart. You know, that nice cozy corner where I keep other random things like Philly Cheese Steaks, V.C. Andrews novels, Chris Botti and pedicures with extra long leg & foot massages. Because if you’re going to get the massage, why not go for the extra? V.C. Andrews, by the way, was brilliant when it came to simplifying incest. Like those kids HAD NO CHOICE, right? Step Mothers were evil, Mother in Laws were absurd… even the REAL Mothers wouldn’t flinch at poisoning their own, I mean EVERYTHING was wrong about those novels… which I still think about fondly whenever faced with being marooned during a natural disaster. Because there’s nothing like adolescent light reading for the virgin imagination, especially when paired with meat, cheese, and eclectic clarinets. I tried to add the pedicure back into that scenario, but I don’t think that the nail salon has their power back on yet.

But there wasn’t anything imaginary about this ORDER OF EVACUATION, which actually saw us vacating our home last Thursday in an effort to get ahead of the mass exodus off Long Island. And it was a quick decision too, seeing as how we had nothing to do for the weekend, really…. Aside from waiting for something–So why not wait somewhere else? And so we went. Annoyed. While I rolled my eyes all over the East End of Long Island — damning the media onslaught of what could maybe possibly happen. I jammed bags full of toys and clothes for all weather scenarios. Calmly of course, while the three year old attempted to understand the reasoning behind our immediate departure.. One minute playing outside — the next scrambling in a FOR THE LOVE OF GOD– ESCAPE!!! I packed up our cooler. I convinced the dog to get into the car. Then the kids. Chumps Are Us, I thought as I watched the Mayor of New York suggest that he might not screw up this time by shutting down New York City…. and then I turned off our TV and headed North, in-land. Fools, damn you.

On the phone with a friend as I was driving out of town I felt embarrassed. Where had my coastal mentality gone? Why was I not out stocking the house with booze for day-long hurricane parties and WHY was I driving so fast?

But in the end, it didn’t really matter. I mean — things happened here, trees down, limbs dangling, flooding, docks washed away, but the only real loss was in our gardens, which were crushed by the elements. Damages that are certainly recoverable over time. We only decided to return to find the lovely notice above when our power returned on Monday night. And we never really did escape, as the fury of all things Irene simply said “Oh – they went that way”, and followed not so lightly to, in many circumstances, worse situations.

And we were safe. And dry. And not being blown around in gale force winds that look ridiculous as they hit the news reporters on the beach. We may have acted a little typical, as we ran for cover… And the storm may have been completely blown out of proportion… But never before have I taken my cynicism by the throat and decided to go the route to safety. Kids, I tell ya.

((Huge Sigh))

There she is. Taking my picture again.

Can’t a dog just take a nap around here without interruption? I mean — I already wag my tail around these kids that she allows to stay in the house, can’t I just have one moment of peace? I know, I know. She’s all happy and proud because the vet said that I lost nine pounds. As if that’s anything to be surprised about… My last appointment was 6 months ago — What? Doesn’t she know that unlike a certain 3 year old around here, I listen?!

And she’s happy like ALL THE TIME.

Remember when she worked in an office? How whack was that? All the screaming over the telephone about press proofs and color matches…UGH – and the money. I mean it smells nice but I never did get the point. I did all I could by laying my head on her lap to calm the crazy down. But now. Taking my picture again. Hopefully this time she won’t go and post it all over the internet like she did last winter when I was “fat”. Hasn’t anyone ever heard of a “winter coat”.

And yes. I get that she loves me…. Despite the fact that she moved my dogbed four inches to the left…. Not the one in the TV room, the other one that I sometimes remove the stuffing from. Because, if that “new one” is going to scream about absolutely nothing, can’t I let out a little frustration every once in a while?

But I’m not some pathetic character dog that enjoys social media and internet attention. Because. I’m stout, stoic, and if being eleven years old hasn’t taught anyone around here anything — I’m in charge.. And I’m not going to stand for all of this laughing and playing around all the time. Don’t people know how to control themselves? Just the other day that 3 year old had a water pistol and thought it would be fun to test it out on me. And you know what? I let him. And I smiled the whole time. Dammit.

All I want is for everyone to behave. And bacon. I’d really like some — Did she ever think of that?

Am I alone in noticing that this week is a complete and total wash? I mean — is ANYONE DOING ANYTHING?

Or, is it just me?

Ever since my adventure last week I haven’t been wandering too far from my couch, kitchen and The Learning Channel…. ((shudder)). The things that you can learn on the learning channel are literally life changing. For example… after a marathon of watching HOARDING: BURIED ALIVE, I immediately rethought every “TO DO” project that I have sitting on my desk. I also went on a rampage of tossing any and all wrapping paper that I could get my hands on and am considering throwing things away before I ever use them. I watched two episodes of EXTREME COUPONING and have decided that not only am I a complete idiot… but I’m also hanging off of a Cecropia Tree in the Rainforest by my giant toenails. Because that is how Sloths live– In complete ignorance of the deals right in front of their faces… as I casually toss last weekends coupon circulars into the trash…No one needs 800 jars of mustard and I don’t care about shelf-life.

One thing that I did notice about this week, aside from people doing nothing, is that there is A LOT of shopping going on. I guess that the various religious events, combined with the Easter Bunny have everyone a little giddy with spring fever… How much do you want to bet that there are virgin coupon users wandering the aisles right now — gathering their hoards of No Stick Deodorant and high sodium lunchables… Only in an effort to gain some kind of TLC fame… In hopes of becoming the next HOARDING star. AHHHhhh Cable. Who knew it would come to this?

But back to not doing anything… we’ve had a lot of people visiting and helping out these past few days (since “the incident”), so while I’m enjoying everyone’s company — I’m also not really allowed to do anything. I have wandered out a little, but my ability to sit at the computer for longer than 20 minutes is dwindling as my legs fall asleep. Other fun things that I can’t do include descending stairs, emptying the dishwasher AND reaching anything below my knees. And I know… OH WOE IS ME. Whatever. We’re almost there… But I do hope to have something more interesting to post about next week… you know, when the holiday is over and people start doing things again.

In the interim, please take a minute to watch this clip. A good friend was able to obtain surveillance of the medical team I dealt with last week in Triage…. I must warn you, some of the material may be disturbing.

Nothing says Happy Easter like a team of medical zombies. If you need me, I’ll be out replacing our wrapping paper supply.

Natural disasters really put me in a terrible mood…. not to be selfish or anything.

The feelings of helplessness are overwhelming. Send money. Donate goods. Do anything. Pray. Think. And then I turn around and go back to my life… waiting for the weather to improve, plans for the new baby, what will we make for dinner tonight… While others are desperately attempting to piece their lives back together. There’s just something so nonadhesive about this part of humanity which makes me wish that there was a way to help more — and really feel like I’m helping rather than sitting back and watching others really help.

And of course there is the media egg — once cracked that sends us all scrambling… OMG, Japan — WHO DO WE KNOW THERE? OMG, Okay — They are okay. OMG, HAWAII… WHO DO WE KNOW THERE? OMG, Okay, thanks to Facebook, we know they are alright. OMG – THE WEST COAST… As we hold our breath, waiting for the water to recede, wave and then slam into the land masses that are so far away from our lives that they may as well be on the moon. THE MOON, OMG. THE EARTH — WHO DO WE KNOW THERE?!? Did they say they were EVACUATING MEXICO? And then the catastrophic likely hood that this natural wave comes full circle… to not only point fingers toward the, ahem, MAN MADE — but also to the elimination of such via RADIOACTIVE MELTDOWN. I’d like a little naturally grown sugarcane with my pseudoscience, please.

Just turn the TV off. The radio. The computers. The iPad. The Blackberry. The iphone. And, for the love of Gawd, if you pick up the paper — skip to the IGNORANCE IS BLISS section. And just in case you haven’t felt normal since Friday either — blame the axis, of which the Earth is now OFF.

But this is life… Right? The Earth rolling around, off of its axis like some random SPACEBALL. Just as we calm down from OMG – EGYPT, WHO DO WE KNOW THERE? Wasn’t so-in-such’s stepson teaching English there for a semester? And what about the neighbor’s daughter — she’s in Turkey — WHAT’S GOING ON THERE?!?! And back to to the norm of OMG – THE 3 YEAR OLD PEE’D ON THE FLOOR. Flip flopping from horror stories of local bus crashes to OH THANK HEAVENS… Sid the Science Kid is on in ten minutes… and back again, trying to even out the guilt — Thousands are dead, but thank goodness Japan was diligent in preparedness…

But really.
The feelings of helplessness are overwhelming. Send money. Donate goods. Do anything. Pray. Think. And then I turn around and go back to my life…

[How you can help.]

The other night I found myself sitting on the couch watching CSI Miami. Will was in bed, and most of the stuff I had wanted to read was read… I also seemed to have been suffering from a repeat of a dreadful cold that I thought was long gone… TV, I decided, was my only escape, which is unusual because even if the television is on in the background, I rarely pay attention until I am fully ensconced in decompression. But there I was…and bear with me because what happened next is rather complicated…

I had missed a good 20 or so minutes of the show — and having not watched an episode in a few years, most of the characters were strangers to me with the exception of David Caruso, the little angry Irishman… not so appropriately named Horatio — well dressed but wandering aimlessly, mourning Hamlet… but I digress…  Having missed most of the plot, I was caught up in the serious glances that tend to be the meat within the storyline… Horatio was calming a teenager while the others were running about trying to uncover traces of gunpowder and the source of an unusual smell. I was a little sidetracked, trying to keep up with all of the different innuendos and references to other episodes, but when I started to grasp the plot, I was hooked.

A murder (or possibly two) had taken place and a teenager, that Horatio affectionately nicknamed ‘Son’, was in custody. Apparently one of the victims was a guy (let’s call him BOB) that had been pretending to be a younger and more handsome guy, while flirting online with the same preppy chick that Son was. When Miss Prep (allegedly) arranged to meet Bob in person, she was STUNNED to find out that he was really old and unattractive… you know, because online stalkers are normally super good-looking, right? She then, according to Son, contacted him online and told him that the ugly old guy was bothering her and would he be so kind as to KILL HIM FOR HER?! To which he immediately agreed (of course). So, yada yada — a few minutes later we have a dead guy (and possibly another dead person, I mean really — how much of an attention-span do you think I have?)… And while all of this communication was taking place via the internet, it was very surprising to the ACTUAL REAL LIFE preppy chick in question when the Crime Scene Investigators of Miami showed up at her house and started suggesting that she was having online affairs with the two men… The father of the girl became anxious at the suggestive accusations and they immediately tested him for gun power — of which was POSITIVE, but only because he had been shooting armadillo earlier that day (of course). Sheepishly, and without emotion, the girl’s Mom was all “What’s going on Carl” (I think that was the Dad’s name) and then they cut to a commercial. It was at this point that I finished the container of sorbet and started in on the Halloween candy.

I’ve got you now, right? You need to know what happened… HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY do anything else without knowing? Well… it all turned out very simply but not without SHOCK when the preppy chick was being held back by her Dad screaming “How COULD YOU!!?” as her Mom was being led away in handcuffs — EXPOSED LIKE A SITTING DUCK — her double life of pretending to be her daughter online so that she could attempt to have relationships with, sight unseen, younger men, was finally over. You’d think that she would have been a little relieved to have this all out of the bag, but no. She remained rather indifferent to her arrest, suggesting that finding love — no matter how blind and deceitful was so important to her that she wore the guilt like a badge and then asked if it was time to go home. “Oh no”, whispered Horatio, “You have committed MURDER”, (or something like that).To which she was shocked by the reality of it all.

I have no idea why I am sharing this with you, aside from the fact that it’s been stuck in my head for the past couple of days. Was it the bad acting? Was it the seemingly sweatless cast in obviously very hot weather? Or was it the Mom’s “oh whatever” attitude about committing serious crimes over the internet? As far as I can tell… she would have been way better off simply living another life instead of skulking around online like a creepshow… but then again, wherein lies the entertainment value? And all the questions and anger… fiction vs. reality — tv show vs. the news… mentally disturbed vs. wrong & right… Either take the remote control away from me, or let me live in La La Land… because the anxiety exists anyway without pointing out the obvious…

I started off today with the long list of complaints. It was so long that I even heard myself saying “How long is it?” as I tried to find the end. One after another, after another after another… blah, blah, blah. On and on. Blathering until I decided that it was pretty safe to say that I was in the middle of some sort of meltdown… Either that or I was on a direct path to annoy myself to death.

Yeah, that’s right. DEATH.
And it really didn’t take very much to lead me to this place of disregard. Complete and total ignorance of how happy I actually am… It took so little for me to land there, in fact, that I am questioning my tolerance. There was a time that I was able to work with and exist around complete and total idiots — sexist, deranged, airheaded… you name it — I tolerated, and things were constantly going wrong… leading to weekly fits of anxiety — you know, basic internalization of all things bad for you. I even once had to be put under anesthesia to have the world’s smallest camera sent down my esophagus to measure the amount of stress I was hiding within bodily confines… Only to wake up shouting about deadlines and totally scoffing at the idea that I was stressed out. Is it possible that so much time has passed in not having to deal with certain character types or tough situations that now I am not able to handle the smallest obstacles? Have I become weak when faced with… anything? But where and how did this actually “happen”.

There really wasn’t anyway to predict this — things were going along quite nicely, actually… And just when I began to let myself think that… ‘hmmm — maybe NOW is a good time to relax,’ thus letting life and what have you simply happen, it did. But not the kind of LIFE that I was predicting– you know, a carefree existence paralleling with shameless gluttony and overindulgence… Because in the scope of things, everything that I’m about complain about is quite meaningless… that is given the larger picture of — you know, LIFE.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have things rather good…. LIFE is awesome, for lack of a better word and if only to appease my still bleached out split ends. I have no reason to complain. But then things started breaking down. Last week it was the dishwasher — which is no real BIGS because with flowing water and soap, we can pretty much clear up that situation… but the convenience was lost for days. I scheduled an appointment last Wednesday that we waited for all afternoon with a 1-5 window of time… only to find out at 4:45pm that the appointment had been rescheduled in error for Friday, 1-5. The next day, I had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for 1:45 — when I arrived they said I was an hour early for my 2:45 appointment. In both scenarios the operator and receptionist told me that the mistakes were my fault. Which they weren’t, but I took each pill graciously — deciding to fight the larger battle should it rear its ugly head… And then the babysitter quit. Then the car needed maintenance. Then my computer started coughing up hair balls. Then my 2 year old started acting like a 3 year old. Then all of the babysitters answering my classified ad couldn’t speak English. Then there was laundry. Then I didn’t have time to read anything. Then I didn’t have time to write very much… or design… or think… or clean. Then it rained. Then my computer’s server exhausted it’s last breath. Then I demanded. Then I was rude. Then I was reminded of how I used to handle situations. I felt overwhelmingly icky and out of control.

And then, as I sat down to vent it all out to the internet… completely sick and tired of listening to myself sigh (loudly) and blame it ALL on anyone that crossed my path — that is with the exception of the Bluedog who totally looked at me all “Dude, CHILL OUT.” — Everything evened out. The former babysitter showed up, returning the book that I was obsessing over even though I haven’t looked at it in 10 years… apologizing and explaining her abrupt departure… crying almost at how she had left things but more likely because she had reached forty million and couldn’t count the rest of the hairs standing straight on my head. A few good candidates for her replacement called — AND the computer that was laying on it’s deathbed awaiting a logic board transplant (a couple $1,000 to replace) was downgraded to a video card replacement (about $200).

And so, while I’m typing this as a reminder to stop annoying myself to DEATH and just wait things out until signs of improvement begin to appear… I think I’m also, in some round about way, apologizing to the universe for acting so selfish about LIFE and everything that it dishes out…. How easy it is to put on the blinders and act selfish and full of complete and total irreverence.

I need to write about something. But where to start is kind of escaping me right now. I could write about the weather, which is undeniably boring. Or I could write about how the babysitter was an hour late… and called to see if she should bother showing up at all… and I was all like, UM, YEAH! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Because it is and isn’t her fault that she’s 19 and therefore does not understand that although it isn’t her fault that she doesn’t have her own car… it still is her fault on every possible level. But now I just remembered that I several other things to do… so the rest of this post is going to have to wait. 

So what did you do today? Did you dance through the streets? Did you brandish the arms? Did you stand guard? Did you talk the talk and walk the walk? Did you?

What’s that? I know, what do I expect? You to have this lavishly preposterous Monday? Well, actually yes. I expect to live vicariously through the people that read this… so GET ON WITH IT. Hey hey… don’t get angry. I’m not pointing any fingers… wait, what? What did I do? Why, LET ME TELL YOU.

I kicked off the day with a typical morning conversation with the doctor’s office — Yes, although they faxed the prescription on April 6th, it was never received. Which is why I don’t have my brain pills.. otherwise tainted as vitamins. Oh no.. never received and I am in complete D deficiency. Call back and leave a message? Why, aren’t I talking to a real person now? Oh, because you only fax and email requests that are left on the voicemail? Am I getting this right? You do realize that you are talking to me right now and you have my file open right in front of your nose… you know this, right? Because IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

Then I drove to a local strip mall to have some proposals bound while I took my son to Starbucks. Yes. That’s right. INSANITY. But that’s NOT ALL. First I went to the grocery store and bought lettuce… because I just might have a SALAD. I know. MADNESS.

And then, just before the babysitter called suggesting that she wasn’t going to make it until she felt me tightening my grip on her ponytail — dragging her through the telephone, I thought about throwing in a load of laundry… but then I forgot and sat down to write this glimmer of sparkling genius instead. Now aren’t you happy about that? I mean, what would you have done if you hadn’t read this? All things aside and nonsense about living your life… right? I mean really. And now what? And now WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I’m going to make dinner because it’s 5:10pm and THAT’S WHAT WE DO AT 5:10pm. And thank GAWD I got all of this out of the way! Because somewhere scattered throughout the fabulousness of this weather trenched day I also did about 3 hours of actual design work. Real work. For real money. Which has left me limp and hanging by a thread… and before you get all manic and curse the gods of MY FOOT WHEN WILL SHE STOP? I’m going. I hope you had a good day too.  

Tax Season in our house has turned into the thank heavens we got a refund dance! And a big one. Big enough that I think I’m going to indulge my husband’s fantasies of a big screen TV. So while he’s pouring over reviews and comparing several acronyms and numbers that I won’t bore you with (HDMI, LED, 1080p, blah, blah, blah) I’m trying to decide if I deserve a new laptop – or maybe Adobe CS5. Well, deserve is the wrong word because of course I deserve all of it. Why is it so much easier to spend money for someone else than for myself? Instead I’m thinking through all of kinds of random silly non-essentials that I might purchase instead. It appears that I’ve always been a sucker for quantity over quality. I want 5 rolls of toilet paper for the price of 1, among other things. Even my posts at Small for Big this week are all about the I-want-me-this factor.

1.Oh Happy Day/
Oh Crappy Day Ring Set, Weasel Factory, $25

2. Metal
Trunks, CB2, $49.95 – 69.95
3. Igloo
Chair, CB2, $149
4. The
Original Saltwater Sandals, Sunshine Leather Company, $39.95
5. Armor Bolero,
Butterfly of Telepathy, $23

How are you?

I’ve been thinking about our conversation — about how you think that Picasso wasn’t really a bad guy, he just had commitment issues, and I really have to disagree with your juxtaposition on the Tiger Woods matter — but you are entitled to your opinion. Is it at all possible that the Olympics have gone to your well frosted head? Too much up close and personal?  Or are you just intimidated by Z-Germans? Because although they are undeniably günter höhne, I suspect they might be all talk and no show. But that’s just me.

You know what else IS me? Closing one company and opening another in a span of three weeks… with a 2 year old sitting on my lap, while I design logos with one eye and bake dairy and egg free chocolate cupcakes with the other. Literally. And, as I look out the window I see glops of white starting to mix in with the monsoon. With one office half moved out and the other half moved in and décor resources beginning to haunt. Because Martha I am not, and I’m kinda happy about that. But what about you, Cupcake?

Enough about me. Let’s talk about you.

How was your trip to Egypt and your journey to the center of the earth? Was it anything like the movie? And what did you and The Queen talk about? Did you dazzle her with your experience as Gordon Sumner’s Sommelier… The Peace keeping battle where you carried Bono to the sidelines in what you panicked to be near death–only to realize that it was nothing but a drunken stupor? Or did you just go on and on about America’s Next Top Model like you usually do? You really should allow yourself to take credit for all that you have accomplished… I mean you are only 20 minutes old — and I know this is just touching on half of the story.

There was the time that Lloyd Dobler stood in the rain in anguish over his broken heart… gripping his pen? One can only assume. But, dear Cupcake, the point of my letter is getting lost in the fodder of “where are we now”? Because to come full circle would require more than a burning flag, James Joyce and the Easter Bunny. No. We need something much stronger and more organized… Something to inject life into the icing on top… Something with promise and compassion… Something for completion… with texture. Beyond all cause, and hold off the guard…before I start to make sense… Because, we need sprinkles.